Some people asked me some questions based on my last blog post, so I am going to try to answer them to the best of my ability.  

Allison wrote:
" I really enjoyed reading this post, but I'm still having a hard time to think about forgiving some people. Including myself for things. Especially because some of the people don't think they have done anything wrong. How do you forgive when that's the case? "

Anonymous wrote: Thank you so much for this post. I am in tears. For years now I have struggled with this. Many, many times I have made the decision- this is it, I'm ready to let it go. I will forgive him. I ask God for His help, and I truly think the anger and bitterness is gone.
but it always seems to rear it's ugly head. Something will trigger it and I find myself up inthe middle of the night, crying and reliving the past.I know this may seem like a stupid question, but HOW do you forgive?

I have struggled with this very thing.  Over and over, I kept thinking I was going to let it go, but those negative things would come back, time and time again, and I would be back into that cycle of bitterness and hurt. What I have come to realize is that:

 1.) My heart was not forgiving for the right motives.  Many times, I would decide to forgive because I was afraid that if I didn't, I would be punished by God.  That kind of forgiveness doesn't last, because it is not based on love, but fear.   

2.) Another reason I would try to forgive would be out of desperation, to try to end my pain. Because the motive was out of selfishness, and not love, it was not a lasting forgiveness. 

3.) I tried to make God make me feel forgiving. In other words, I would say, I want to forgive, but God, you have to help me do it. You have to give me the ability to do it.  But I would make no effort on my own to make a choice to forgive.  I would make excuses and allow myself to believe that God didn't really need me to forgive since he hadn't given me those feelings of forgiveness yet.

4.) I didn't ever truly give the burden to God.  I wanted to hold onto it, believing that I had to be in control of it.  I believed that I had to figure out how to deal with my emotions and how to get rid of those hurt emotions on my own.   I felt that until those feelings were resolved, I couldn't truly move on. 

5.) I was still in the process of forgiveness, still grieving what I had lost/been hurt by.  


When you truly have decided to forgive someone:

•  You don't already have to have those feelings resolved in your mind.

• You don't have to have lost the hurt and pain the other person caused you.

• You don't have to have a full understanding of why this happened to you.

•  You don't have to have healed fully from your pain. 

What you do have to do is make a decision to forgive, and make it with the right motives.  You make the choice to forgive the person who hurt you, not out of fear, selfishness, pride, or any other such reason. 

Your choice must be made because God says it's the right thing to do, and because you trust that God is going to keep the promises that He has made in the Bible regarding forgiveness.  Trust me, the feelings will follow!    But you have to choose that you have truly going to forgive, before  this will happen.

I found this sample prayer in a book called "The Gift of Forgiveness", by Charles Stanley-  this prayer, in my  opinion, explains how our mindset should be when we have decided to forgive:

Because I have been forgiven and accepted by Christ,
I now forgive and accept you, _______,  unconditionally in Christ.
I choose now to forgive you, _______,  no matter what you did to me.
I release you from the hurts (take time to name the hurts), and you are no longer accountable to me for them. You are free.

Lord Jesus, by faith, I receive your unconditional love and acceptance in the place of this hurt, and I trust you to meet all my needs. I take authority over the enemy, and in the name of Jesus, I take back the ground I have allowed Satan to gain in my life as a result of my attitude towards ________.  Right now, I give this ground back to Jesus, where it rightfully belongs.

You can say this prayer with the person who hurt you, if they solicited your forgiveness.  It will mean a lot to them and will make you grow closer together.  Be sure that if you say this prayer, it is from your heart.

On the other hand, if they don't even realize they have hurt you, or don't care, it would be an insult to them if you were to tell them you forgive them...and it would only cause strife to grow between you. 

You can say the prayer on your own, and know that you have taken the correct steps.  You can know that God will honor your choice to do the right thing, because He promises He will.

It's really important to understand that most of the time you can't heal first, then forgive.  Forgiveness is typically the first step in the healing process, not the last. 

Forgiveness doesn't always happen immediately, however.  It is a commitment to a process of change, but the change doesn't always happen immediately. It may take you some time after you have committed yourself to forgiving someone, that you actually do find the ability to forgive them.  You have to allow the appropriate time for healing.   But always begin the healing with the commitment to forgiveness.

How do you know if you have truly forgiven someone?  

1.) You will finally be able to stop bringing up their offense/s.  Once you have already expressed your feelings and your hurt, and discussed it, there comes a point that there is no good that can come of bringing it up over, and over, and over again.  All it can do is prolong the suffering, both for you, and the person who hurt you- and the healing will be delayed/stopped.

2.) You will not dwell on the offense/s secretly, in your mind.  Once you have forgiven, you will find that you are able to feel a release from the burden of having to worry about the offense anymore.  This doesn't mean that it won't come to your mind from time to time, but just that you will not allow yourself to DWELL on those thoughts, and allow them to grow and fester in your mind anymore.   You will find yourself focusing on more positive things, and reminding yourself that God has taken over the burden and it's not your problem anymore!

3.) You will not avoid talking to the person.   You will find yourself comfortable being around them and speaking with them again.

4.) You will feel love and compassion for the person, instead of the bitterness, hurt, and anger that you felt before.   You will want the best for them.  You will see them as valuable.

5.) You will not hope that by giving the burden to God, that He will do something to punish the person, or teach them a lesson.  You will want them spared of this, and you will want them to have a close relationship with God, and to be happy.

6.) You will pray for the person with sincerity of heart.

7.) You will allow yourself to trust them again.  If you still feel worried or anxious about something they might do in the future, you have not yet given up those feelings of unforgiveness. Give this burden to God. 

8.) You will be able to see positive things in the person.  You could even make a list of things that you admire about them, or believe are good about them.


Note: Numbers 3 and 7 would not apply if it were a situation of abuse or any situation where you have to fear physical harm.   It is always best to stay AWAY from people if they are abusive, whether you've forgiven or not.