How God Taught me Forgiveness
For years, I harbored bitterness towards someone who had hurt me long ago and for years afterward. I kept excusing my unforgiveness because the person who I was bitter and hurt towards had never acknowledged what she did and never apologized for it. I believed that the Bible never tells us to forgive someone unless they are repentant.
I always told myself that if she would just say she was sorry, I could forgive her. I kept wishing she would just say the words.
But the words "I'm sorry" never came, much less any acknowledgment or understanding that she had even done anything to cause pain in me. And every time she did or said anything, anything at all, I would keep having my negative thoughts stirred up inside me and I couldn't figure out what to do to stop it from happening.
Every so often, I would have the idea that I needed to forgive her, for my own sake as well as hers. When something bad happened, sometimes deep down, I wondered if it was because I had never given up those feelings of resentment.
The only problem was, that I would convince myself I had forgiven her, but then I would have those feelings of anger and hurt resurface from time to time, and the horrible thing is that I would nurse those feelings and allow them to fester and grow in my heart. I had not truly forgiven her.
It's been decades since I first harbored these feelings, and it took me this long to finally realize that forgiveness truly is the answer, and is undoubtedly what will give complete peace and take the weight off of my mind and heart.
What caused me to come to this realization was when another person came into my life unexpectedly, and hurt me in ways I never imagined could even happen to me. I never thought I would be the target of such a cruel and unjust attack on my life. It was something that brought me to the point of despair, and I actually felt as though life was not worth living for a while. Except for my children, I thought that there was no more reason to go on. No reason for life. I couldn't find enjoyment even in every single thing that I had ever loved. It was all worthless to me.
At first, I couldn't get over the hurt feelings towards this person....the hurt, the anger, the bitterness, and some rage as well. I tried desperately to figure out what to do to resolve the feelings that kept drowning me. I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart multiple times, and it would not stop. It hurt SO BAD.
I searched the Bible for answers. God, this person doesn't even feel sorry for what she did. Can I actually forgive her? I kept feeling as though I should, but I couldn't figure out why.
After all, didn't the Bible say that you forgive someone after they repent? Not before?
After reading and reading, I came to a realization. Forgiveness isn't about absolving the other person of guilt. It isn't even about forgetting what they have done. It is about releasing yourself from the prison that you are in. It is about not having to be the one to decide how to punish someone anymore. It is about giving it up into much more capable hands- God's.
As for them repenting first, I realized that Jesus died for us while we were still sinners. Not after we had repented but while we were STILL SINNERS. He did it before we even repented or said we were sorry. And Christ is my example.
I also read in Hosea about God giving an example of His love for us, by having Hosea marry a prostitute, knowing full well what she was. When she became bored with Hosea and went around with strange men, God told Hosea to go get her back and love her unconditionally. This gave a perfectly clear picture of the true love of God. The fact that God loves us even when we are so desperately wicked....and doesn't just turn on us and remain unforgiving based on our current state of mind, shows me that when I do something different, who am I really imitating? Who am I truly serving?
And when Christ was being crucified- while the people crucifying him, spitting on him, mocking him, scourging him, reviling him and torturing him- while they were still in the ACT, Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
If this is the example that Christ was giving me, then how can I then go and say that I am supposed to harbor bitter feelings towards anyone?
Also, who does it really help? I read somewhere that resentment and bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. If you are resentful and bitter towards someone, who does it hurt? You, or the other person?
It was these things that brought me to the point of knowing what I needed to do. I told the person that I forgave her, and that I held nothing against her for what she had done.
It was almost immediate that I felt a heavy, heavy burden lifted off of me. I also actually felt compassion and tenderness for this person who I had days before would never have imagined feeling that way about. I couldn't believe how victorious and happy I felt. I didn't even think it was possible to feel that way after what had happened, but you know what? Forgiveness is a POWERFUL thing. God always has the right answers, but trusting that He is right is sometimes harder to do than it seems. If we could only trust Him more often, we could prevent so many of our hurts and woes.
It felt so good forgiving this person, that I immediately realized that I had forgiven the other person in my life too. Not only that, but I have been spending much time reconciling with people that I had had conflicts with in the past, and apologized and attempted to form new friendships with them.
I could never have done any of this without God's strength which He graciously gave to me. He knew that I couldn't do it alone. It was too difficult for my human nature, but God always gives us what we need for any current situation.
If you are having any similar problems, and have a person who has hurt you, or is hurting you today, I would love to encourage you to try to find a way to forgive them, truly, from your heart. Ask God to help you. It will be the best thing you ever did for yourself, and for everyone around you.
"The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him;"
Daniel 9:9
(Mark 11:25-26) 25 Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father, who is in heaven, may also forgive you your transgressions. 26 But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your transgressions.”
I always told myself that if she would just say she was sorry, I could forgive her. I kept wishing she would just say the words.
But the words "I'm sorry" never came, much less any acknowledgment or understanding that she had even done anything to cause pain in me. And every time she did or said anything, anything at all, I would keep having my negative thoughts stirred up inside me and I couldn't figure out what to do to stop it from happening.
Every so often, I would have the idea that I needed to forgive her, for my own sake as well as hers. When something bad happened, sometimes deep down, I wondered if it was because I had never given up those feelings of resentment.
The only problem was, that I would convince myself I had forgiven her, but then I would have those feelings of anger and hurt resurface from time to time, and the horrible thing is that I would nurse those feelings and allow them to fester and grow in my heart. I had not truly forgiven her.
It's been decades since I first harbored these feelings, and it took me this long to finally realize that forgiveness truly is the answer, and is undoubtedly what will give complete peace and take the weight off of my mind and heart.
What caused me to come to this realization was when another person came into my life unexpectedly, and hurt me in ways I never imagined could even happen to me. I never thought I would be the target of such a cruel and unjust attack on my life. It was something that brought me to the point of despair, and I actually felt as though life was not worth living for a while. Except for my children, I thought that there was no more reason to go on. No reason for life. I couldn't find enjoyment even in every single thing that I had ever loved. It was all worthless to me.
At first, I couldn't get over the hurt feelings towards this person....the hurt, the anger, the bitterness, and some rage as well. I tried desperately to figure out what to do to resolve the feelings that kept drowning me. I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart multiple times, and it would not stop. It hurt SO BAD.
I searched the Bible for answers. God, this person doesn't even feel sorry for what she did. Can I actually forgive her? I kept feeling as though I should, but I couldn't figure out why.
After all, didn't the Bible say that you forgive someone after they repent? Not before?
After reading and reading, I came to a realization. Forgiveness isn't about absolving the other person of guilt. It isn't even about forgetting what they have done. It is about releasing yourself from the prison that you are in. It is about not having to be the one to decide how to punish someone anymore. It is about giving it up into much more capable hands- God's.
As for them repenting first, I realized that Jesus died for us while we were still sinners. Not after we had repented but while we were STILL SINNERS. He did it before we even repented or said we were sorry. And Christ is my example.
I also read in Hosea about God giving an example of His love for us, by having Hosea marry a prostitute, knowing full well what she was. When she became bored with Hosea and went around with strange men, God told Hosea to go get her back and love her unconditionally. This gave a perfectly clear picture of the true love of God. The fact that God loves us even when we are so desperately wicked....and doesn't just turn on us and remain unforgiving based on our current state of mind, shows me that when I do something different, who am I really imitating? Who am I truly serving?
And when Christ was being crucified- while the people crucifying him, spitting on him, mocking him, scourging him, reviling him and torturing him- while they were still in the ACT, Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
If this is the example that Christ was giving me, then how can I then go and say that I am supposed to harbor bitter feelings towards anyone?
Also, who does it really help? I read somewhere that resentment and bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. If you are resentful and bitter towards someone, who does it hurt? You, or the other person?
It was these things that brought me to the point of knowing what I needed to do. I told the person that I forgave her, and that I held nothing against her for what she had done.
It was almost immediate that I felt a heavy, heavy burden lifted off of me. I also actually felt compassion and tenderness for this person who I had days before would never have imagined feeling that way about. I couldn't believe how victorious and happy I felt. I didn't even think it was possible to feel that way after what had happened, but you know what? Forgiveness is a POWERFUL thing. God always has the right answers, but trusting that He is right is sometimes harder to do than it seems. If we could only trust Him more often, we could prevent so many of our hurts and woes.
It felt so good forgiving this person, that I immediately realized that I had forgiven the other person in my life too. Not only that, but I have been spending much time reconciling with people that I had had conflicts with in the past, and apologized and attempted to form new friendships with them.
I could never have done any of this without God's strength which He graciously gave to me. He knew that I couldn't do it alone. It was too difficult for my human nature, but God always gives us what we need for any current situation.
If you are having any similar problems, and have a person who has hurt you, or is hurting you today, I would love to encourage you to try to find a way to forgive them, truly, from your heart. Ask God to help you. It will be the best thing you ever did for yourself, and for everyone around you.
"The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him;"
Daniel 9:9
(Mark 11:25-26) 25 Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father, who is in heaven, may also forgive you your transgressions. 26 But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your transgressions.”
What a powerful post. I'm praying for Christ to give me the strength to forgive certain people in my life who have hurt me, and to let go of those hurts. It's been a struggle, but I am so encouraged by this post. Thank you and God bless you!!
(((Hugs)))
Lisa
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Great post Bethany- I too recently went through this with my sister. To this day, she doesn't acknowledge that she did anything wrong, and that part still drives me nuts. But you are so right about forgiveness being about releasing ourselves from that prison, not about holding that person accountable (which I think is Biblical as well!). We should forgive them before we hold them accountable- so that whatever result is accomplished is all for God's glory and not our own pride.
It's amazing how deeply we can be hurt, and how powerful God is to so quickly lift us out of that pit.
I too know that the Bible does not teach us to "forgive and forget," but to "forgive seventy times seven." His wisdom is so far beyond me, and yet when I obey, I reap His rewards!
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Call me sometime soon Bethany. I really enjoyed reading this post, but I'm still having a hard time to think about forgiving some people. Including myself for things. Especially because some of the people don't think they have done anything wrong. How do you forgive when that's the case?
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Allison, I will try to call you as soon as I can! Tomorrow I'll be gone all day but I should be back Thursday and can talk then.
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The sad part is that sometimes the person who hurt you so badly doesnt even know they did anything wrong. You hurt yourself a million more times then you ever hurt them with unforgiveness. Its a hard one thats for sure.
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Very, VERY good post! Sound familiar - I've dealt with harboring an unforgiving spirit, too. I'm so GLAD God has forgiven me, and helps me to forgive! Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you so much for this post. I am in tears. For years now I have struggled with this. Many, many times I have made the decision- this is it, I'm ready to let it go. I will forgive him. I ask God for His help, and I truly think the anger and bitterness is gone.
but it always seems to rear it's ugly head. Something will trigger it and I find myself up inthe middle of the night, crying and reliving the past.I know this may seem like a stupid question, but HOW do you forgive?
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I too have been hurt beyond what any person should have to endure, but I can clearly say, once you forgive the offending person from the heart, you will experience blessings you never thought you would. You don't forgive because people deserve it; neither do we deserve God's forgiveness. If God can forgive us, so can we forgive others. By Him, its possible.
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