Men and Miscarriage
Are there any men out there, husbands...fathers.. would be willing to help me with my book about miscarriage? Men who have been there and know what it's like, and would like to share from the male perspective what miscarriage is like for them?
There don't seem to be very many resources which deal with men and the way they grieve after a miscarriage, and I'm finding it difficult to know how to answer many of the questions I've been asked. I know men grieve too, but it is in a very different way than women do.
Many women don't feel that their husbands (or significant other) care about their loss because of the different way they handle their grief. They feel left out and alone. (I think men feel very alone in their grief as well!)
I think it would be very helpful to have several men's stories included in the book ,to give women an idea of how a man deals with their feelings afterwards, and to also help men to see how other men dealt with it.
If there are any men here who would be willing to share their miscarriage stories from their viewpoint, it would really help!
Please pray about it and if you think you can help, I would greatly appreciate it- and you could help so many people by sharing your story!
I would give you full credit for your story in the book after it is published. Please let me know by email if you are interested.
There don't seem to be very many resources which deal with men and the way they grieve after a miscarriage, and I'm finding it difficult to know how to answer many of the questions I've been asked. I know men grieve too, but it is in a very different way than women do.
Many women don't feel that their husbands (or significant other) care about their loss because of the different way they handle their grief. They feel left out and alone. (I think men feel very alone in their grief as well!)
I think it would be very helpful to have several men's stories included in the book ,to give women an idea of how a man deals with their feelings afterwards, and to also help men to see how other men dealt with it.
If there are any men here who would be willing to share their miscarriage stories from their viewpoint, it would really help!
Please pray about it and if you think you can help, I would greatly appreciate it- and you could help so many people by sharing your story!
I would give you full credit for your story in the book after it is published. Please let me know by email if you are interested.
I'll be interested in reading others' responses. I think that at least part of it, in my case, was that I was doing plenty of freaking out, so Rick remained stable so we weren't both falling apart. We tend to balance each other out that way in different times of life.
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I only can think of one person that has had a miscarriage. I am not sure if I would be comfortable asking and talking to him about it.
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My husband who has been with me through 2 miscarriages doesn't even really know what he feels about it. Never wanted to talk about it even though I grieved so much. That is what hurts the most. I wanted him to feel what I was feeling and I don't think most men do.
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Carla, that is exactly what I want to address in the book! I want to see if any men would be willing to try to explain what goes through their mind when the miscarriage- maybe kind of express from their viewpoint how it felt to them when they saw their wives grieving from the miscarriage and what kind of thoughts went through their minds, what they wanted to do versus what they were able to do, how that made them feel, etc- any advice they'd give to other men maybe.
I don't know how many men I'll find who are willing to share those feelings (it's just really tough to find someone who is!), but I have made a goal to find at least 6-10 men who will do this. Thanks to Lauren and Sandi, I now have two men who are going to be sharing their stories. I hope to have more soon. It would truly benefit others to hear their stories!
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I think men have a hard time with the miscarriage. I think they feel like they have to be strong or their wife/girlfriend. I think they feel really sad but can't express that emotion because they feel they need to be strong.
PS HI CARLA!
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I agree, Jana.
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I know my husband wants to write you something. He has the flu right now (praying it's not the Swine Flu!) but as soon as he's better I'll ask him to write you.
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Lauren, thank you SO much. That would help tremendously!
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Oh and I am sorry to hear he has the flu!
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I need to add that anyone who wants to contribute has the option to remain anonymous if they prefer!
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That is a very good idea. I would be so interested to read what men feel.
My dh has not wanted to talk about it at all (even with my dad who went through my mom's miscarriage with her). He stated outright that he believes it is not right to grieve, and that the baby is not "lost" because God gives and takes according to his will. He's great at being Biblical and rational. Not so great at being sensitive to raging hormones and a mother's sorrow. :/
Some of his stoicism, I'm sure, comes from the hardships he's endured in his life. Especially his military experience. After what he's seen, the miscarriage must have been a fairly minor blip on his emotional screen. For me, of course, it was one of the worst things to happen in my life. So that explains the vast difference in our emotional responses.
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I'm sorry that he has reacted like that, Margaret. Maybe he is trying to protect himself from feeling vulnerable? The Bible allows a time of mourning when one loses a family member- Despite the fact that God is the one who gives and takes away, He knows that it is devastating to us to lose a child, and there really is nothing at all wrong with grieving after losing a child. In fact, it is very good to do this. It is a part of healing.
If you'll read the many accounts in the Bible of people losing their children, you'll see a lot of people having their mourning time.
And remember that Lazarus was grieved over and even JESUS wept... Of all people to know that God gives and takes away, this was JESUS...and yet He wept when He saw how much it had grieved Lazarus' family. He even was grieved despite the fact that He knew he was just about to raise Him up!
Remember the child who cried "my head, my head" and died...remember how his mother reacted to his death before Elisha brought him back to life? Her "soul was vexed" within her.
Job grieved the loss of his children.
David grieved the coming loss of his and Bathsheba's baby..and also he mourned greatly over Absalom, his other son who was killed.
I can go a little further too...Hannah grieved over the fact that she was not able to conceive, and that was not wrong either.
Grieving is a part of life- there is a time to be joyful and a time to weep.
I hope that you never feel guilty for what is natural and right in the eyes of God.
You can grieve your child and still have the comfort and knowledge knowing that it was all for a purpose.
Grieving is an expression of your love for your child- it is NOT a sign that you do not trust in God.
I hope that you'll find healing and comfort and peace.
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Bethany, you're exactly right, and your words have been a comfort to so many women who read your blog. Comforting words like these are a wonderful example of what a solace your book will be for so many.
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My husband did tell me that caring for me during the miscarriages was of utmost importance. He worried that he would lose me and that is how he cared for our child, by caring for me.
I still want to TALK, TALK, TALK about it though even after 13 years!
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Hi, my name is Chanel Samuels. I had a miscarriage in 2005, I was 18 weeks when I lost my daugther. I felt like I had nothing left. I think about my miscarriage alot and I still cry. Men really feel like they have to be tough, but it's not good, when I am crying my heart out for him to talk and comfort me. I try to go see her grave when I can, but I would like for my husband to go too. I am glad that I found this website, because it can help me deal with the pain I still feel from my lost. Thank you, to who every developed this page.
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My wife and I lost two children through miscarriage.
Unlike my wife, I never had any physical connection with the children and because of that 'lack' I had no emotional connection of which I was aware at the time.
My attention was focused on Mona's response to the loss. She experienced the full gambit of emotions associated with grief: guilt, anger, remorse, helplessness, loss, etc.
I did not experience those same emotions.
But even today when we sit down together for a meal and I count heads and all five surviving children are present I am still aware that someones are missing.
The loss is real and it never goes away.
The other loss that is real is the son, from a prior relationship, that I lost to abortion.
I was a willing accomplice in his death.
I never assumed responsibility for his conception and I contributed financially to his death.
After Mona and I were married I told her about my other life before Christ.
I have not yet been able to tell my five surviving children that they have a half brother whom they will never know in this life.
They are all old enough now where we can have that conversation. I believe it is overdue.
yor bro ken
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Are you still looking for stories? My wife and I had a miscarriage last september, and were just told we have a blighted ovum. I would definitely be willing to share if you are still interested.
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