Update on Book - and a Few Questions
I haven't written about it here for a while, but I am still working on the book about miscarriage, which I started on several months ago. I have been trying to juggle many things at once lately, so the progress on the book has been slow, but I am definitely still working on it and hope to have many more sections added to it in the next few months.
I have a few more questions for those of you who have experienced miscarriage, if any of you might be willing to share:
I have a few more questions for those of you who have experienced miscarriage, if any of you might be willing to share:
- What questions did you have during/after your miscarriage? We all seek for many answers, but what kind of questions perplexed you the most?
- If you had a funeral/memorial service for your unborn baby, can you possibly share some of the details of your story? (if not through the comments, you can send a private or anonymou email) Everyone's experience will be a little different, and some women have asked me about in what ways they can have a memorial service for their babies, despite some obstacles they have in their way (for example, many women have the D & C, and sadly, are not allowed to take their baby home, so they are not able to have a physical funeral, and some women do not live in an area where they could have a burial outside their home, etc.) I would really like to include in the book, many different examples of ways that they can memorialize their child and have a memorial service for them, despite whatever obstacles come their way.
- What advice would you give a woman who is afraid to try again after miscarriage?
I haven't had the sad experience of a miscarriage, but I hope that you get the information needed to do your book. I'm sure it will be a help and an inspiration to many. I have a friend who experienced a miscarriage last year. She is actually expecting again, and everything is going great so far, praise the Lord! She is due in October.
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Congratulations to your friend! I am so glad that she is expecting again. I hope that her pregnancy will go well and her baby will be safe and sound. Thank you for the kind words.
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Ack, I had several paragraphs typed and then my computer froze and I had to restart. I'll be back to write you again.
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I'm sorry that happened, Sarah. I hate when computer do that kind of thing.
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Oh duh, that should be "does", not "do"! lol
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That is great that you are writing a book...what I would have given to have had a book to help me through a rough and trying time. Miscarriage is one of those things that nobody seems to talk about and yet it happens so often!
I would love to help you out with your questions...I will e-mail you in the next few days...I have a busy couple of days ahead of me but then I will sit down and write you.
Thank you for taking on the task of writing this book...I'm sure it's hard talking about such a tender subject...blessings to you as you write it. I'm sure it will bring help and healing to many, MANY women! :0)
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Me again. I just went and read the earlier post about your book that you linked to. If you don't mind, I would like to send you my story...and what I went through.
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Thank you so very much, Julie. Yes, I would be honored to have your story.
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Bethany, if you're still interested I'm happy to share my experiences with you, shall I email to you?
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Kelly, I just sent you an email.
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Hi Bethany, I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to reply. I always put off answering things that will take thought and concentration, since I usually have little ones pulling on me while I type.
What questions did you have during/after your miscarriage? We all seek for many answers, but what kind of questions perplexed you the most?
Most of my questions were practical ones. Since I had a missed miscarriage, with no outward signs of problems (no spotting or bleeding, no cramping, uterus measured on track, etc.), I had to decide whether to wait it out to see whether this baby would miscarry on his own, whether to try herbs to speed things up (my MW said she has seen limited success w/ herbs alone for this), whether to obtain Cytotec to facilitate the miscarriage (this is NOT an off-label use if the baby has been confirmed dead already; it IS an off-label use for cervical ripening during labor); or whether to schedule a D&C. I did not find any website w/ a comparison chart of relative risks & benefits of these options, not surprisingly.
I had to weigh the risks of possibly hemmorhaging if I waited it out or used Cytotec. I was also terrified of what I would see, as clumps of my baby would come out. I didn't know whether there would be anything recognizable. I knew that lots of women pass a baby that is perfectly intact, sometimes still in its little sac, but none of them had scenarios like mine. I also wondered how long it would take, both how long for the miscarriage to begin, and how long it would take to complete once it started. How long would I have to walk around with a dead baby inside me, just waiting with a maxi pad, wondering when the bleeding would start? I was 15 wks along and obviously showing, how many people would comment on my pregnant belly and what would I say to them? Would I be grocery shopping at Wal-Mart when the bleeding started? What then? What if I hemmorhaged? What if the bleeding was at a "normal" rate, but how could I walk around conducting normal life errands, knowing that my dead baby was flowing out of me slowly, for days on end?
How bad would the labor cramps be? I've had 3 babies completely unmedicated, but that's different. I had the endorphin high to help ease the pain, plus it's different, knowing that the contractions are bringing forth death instead of life.
I'm running out of room. Let me start another comment.
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If you had a funeral/memorial service for your unborn baby, can you possibly share some of the details of your story?
My blog including the story and photos of Evan's burial is here:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=77736591&blogID=266678593&Mytoken=C072CC13-8FC1-4254-A204E434F07CC8A188660520
or tinyurl'ed
http://tinyurl.com/2h2hya
I wanted to find a replica of what Evan "should" have looked like at almost 9 wks along, instead of what he looked like after a metal tool scraped him off of my womb and sucked him out through a straw-like device. He was mangled beyond recognition of any body part whatsoever. I found this site that sells reasonably priced soft plastic models of babies at each week of gestation. They are medically accurate to scale and size.
www.hh76.com
I have read that some parents bury a model like this if they don't have a body to bury. I keep mine in the wooden memorial box that we brought Evan's body home in:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=77736591&blogID=271561874&Mytoken=C072CC13-8FC1-4254-A204E434F07CC8A188660520
or tinyurl'ed
http://tinyurl.com/59bml4
I also made a scrapbook in Evan's honor, and included every small memento and scrap of paper that proved that he ever existed. I included my 3 positive pregnancy tests, the perinatologist's report confirming that he was dead, all the reports from my D&C (in a pocket), my parking pass for the hospital stay, my menu for my meal after the surgery, the receipt from buying the memorial trees, the cards from the bouquets we received, the few sympathy cards I received, everything. I plan on adding to it every year, with additional photos of the memorial trees and how they grow year by year.
I also kept a diary (Teardrop Diary).
I wear a memorial necklace almost daily (purchased at myforeverchild.com).
These are but a few ideas that anyone could incorporate, even if they didn't have a body to bury.
I'm running out of energy to talk about this. I think I'll come back later.
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I left one other lengthy comment in between the 2 I see up there. I hope it didn't get eaten by cyberspace b/c I don't even remember what I typed. I was worried when it said "Your comment has been submitted for approval," b/c I don't remember ever seeing a msg like that before on your blog.
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Rats, that other comment never materialized, did it? I knew I should have copied it before hitting "submit," just in case.
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I'm sorry that happened, Sarah! I hate when computers and blogs do things like that!
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Your third question asked for advice to give a mother who has miscarried but is afraid to try again. I have a few favorite scriptures I'd like to find and quote, but I'll have to do that later.
This is a bit off topic, but here is a letter I wrote for a friend of a friend who recently had a miscarriage and asked for help anonymously. Emotional healing and validation of the mother's grief are important steps before she can begin to think about actively trying again (not that it's absolutely essential before the next pregnancy; but it is helpful IMHO).
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To a grieving mother,
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. No matter how tiny your baby was, he or she was very real, and was every bit as much a real person as you or I. Don't let anyone minimize this fact or try to convince you otherwise, or try to blow it off as though it were nothing. You have every right to grieve your precious child, and you are 100% a mother even this moment. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you, especially this Mother's Day.
I don't know what background you have, but I'd like to reassure you that the Bible indicates that precious babies (including those in utero) who die *do* go to Heaven. Your precious little one is in the comforting arms of God even now. I don't know about you, but this was very reassuring to me.
Whatever you need to do to work through this, do it, and don't let anyone talk you out of it. If you want to grieve privately, fine. If you want to shout it from the rooftops, fine also. If you want to talk about it all the time, that's normal. If you feel like you just can't talk about it, that's OK too. There is no timeline for grief, and there's no right or wrong way to do it. Don't let anyone try to compare you to how anyone else has grieved as a measuring stick for what they think is "normal."
For me, I found online resources and other grieving mothers' blogs very much a comfort. I found that their blogs echoed my own emotions, and reminded me that I am sane.
Please feel free to contact me if I can help you in any way. My MySpace is
www. myspace. com/sarahcarol
and I just posted a blog containing lots of great websites that might help.
With deepest sympathy,
Sarah
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Thank you so very much, Sarah!!!
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