Ways to Help Grieving Mom
I am still in the process of getting the book about miscarriage written. Over the next several months, I expect to be asking for input on many of the different sections, as there are so many women who visit here and have much experience with this. Everyone's input is so valuable.
What I am working on today is the section about helping grieving mothers. I have a lot written already on this topic, but I feel that there is more that can be added, much more.
So, the questions I have are:
If you have had a miscarriage or a stillbirth, what things did you find helped you during your grieving process?
Also, what things do you wish friends had done for you, as favors, while you were grieving...what would have helped? (For example: Do you wish someone had offered to clean the house, babysit, or bring groceries or prepared food, etc?)
What kind of gifts do you think are appropriate for a mother who has experience miscarriage?
Thank you for your help! I have gotten many helpful emails from people willing to help me put the book together, proofread, people who have given me new ideas for topics within the book, etc. I really appreciate each and every one of you.
What I am working on today is the section about helping grieving mothers. I have a lot written already on this topic, but I feel that there is more that can be added, much more.
So, the questions I have are:
If you have had a miscarriage or a stillbirth, what things did you find helped you during your grieving process?
Also, what things do you wish friends had done for you, as favors, while you were grieving...what would have helped? (For example: Do you wish someone had offered to clean the house, babysit, or bring groceries or prepared food, etc?)
What kind of gifts do you think are appropriate for a mother who has experience miscarriage?
Thank you for your help! I have gotten many helpful emails from people willing to help me put the book together, proofread, people who have given me new ideas for topics within the book, etc. I really appreciate each and every one of you.
I think what would have helped me the most is if someone would have helped me with the grocery shopping. It was so difficult for me to be at the grocery store. Seeing all the Moms with their kids would bring up a bunch of feelings all at once with an increase of guilt. I would find myself giving these poor women dirty looks just because I was so jealous of what they had. I think if someone could have helped me they would have been able to keep my thoughts on the positive. That being said - I think it would have been very bad for someone to actually do the grocery shopping for me. Staying home might increase the depression, being forced out of the house was actually good for me.
What helped me the most was my friends. I didn't know at the time but they set up a schedule so that at least one person called me everyday. They did a good job of finding reasons other than "checking up on me" or "seeing if I was okay". They would call for help with their dogs, or help with typing something up for work. It really was the small things that were the best.
The best gift I received was a gift certificate to get my hair done - it included a cut and color. The certificate included a luncheon with friends and a babysitter for my son.
I guess focusing on getting out of the house is the most important. I wanted to shut myself in and not do anything. I also didn't want my friends around, and I Thank God that they didn't listen to me! They made sure they gave me some alone time, but also made sure I had visitors.
Another great thing a friend did for me was bring over some of her "freezer dinners". She is a once a month cooker and she gave me a weeks worth. It was wonderful not having to put everything together, but good for me that I still had to do some amount of cooking - even if it was just putting something in the oven.
Going to Church was also very helpful for me, especially after my third miscarriage. At first I didn't want anything to do with God because I blamed him, but later I found great comfort there.
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agood gift for a grieving mother is a small rose brush or tiny tree that can be planted in memory of that baby.
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I have had 6 miscarriages and was shocked at how insensitive people were. I was told many times that "this is for the best because something must have been wrong with "it". Two of my miscarriages required brief hospital stays and everyone treated me as if nothing had happened. Only my husband and my mother seemed to understand my loss. All of my miscarriages happened right at 12 weeks and my friends and family told me to just try again. I was not expecting gifts or anything but to have people that I care about acknowledge my loss would have done me a world of good. I felt that since these babies were not full term that most people saw their loss as not much different than breaking a nail. Comments like "well you already have a child" just seemed to make things worse. I am happy to say that I've been blessed with 3 healthy children but to this day I feel the loss of the others and I would say to anyone who has a friend or family member miscarry that they should acknowledge the loss and understand that even though that baby was not full term the loss the mother feels is still overwhelming.
I hope this helps some and I am really looking forward to reading your book. I know it will help the thousands of women who go through this every year.
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I have had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy in which my tube ruptured and I had major blood loss. All of this has been so hard for me, but what has helped me the most is God. Through my prayers and everyone else's they have really lifted me up and helped me through the rough times. On a more worldly level, though, my friends were a godsend. I had a friend fly from OK to FL(where I live) to help me out after I had emergency surgery to remove my ruptured tube. I had friends that called me and cried b/c they knew how much I wanted that baby. Not that I wanted them to cry, but it really showed that they were genuinely concerned and that they loved me so much!! My family has acted a little weird about all of this, but they still offer their condolences every time.
I think some kind of reminder of that little baby would make a wonderful gift. For example, a candle that has the baby's info engraved(the date you found out you were preggers or the date that you lost the baby). Something along those lines. I would love to have something that reminds me of my three angels.
I think the biggest help of all, for me, is having my friends and family present when I need them. The first commenter of this entry really hit the nail on the head as far as help goes. Help w/dinner, grocery shopping, or just getting you out of the house are all really good ideas.
Bethany, I have written a detailed story of my ectopic experience and if you would like to look at it, I will email it to you.
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I'm sorry I don't know your name. I sadly lost my baby on boxing Day to an ectopic pregnancy too and like you I have lost my tube... in fact i'm recovering very very slowly from the op and can only stand or sit for about 3 minutes before i have to lie down - due to the pain - hence my short blog.... but I would love to receive a copy of your story.. as I have discovered the emotions concerned with ectopics are different to miscarriages. For example i was totally beside myself with guilt for letting them operate and possibly take my babies life - ... I'd love to hear how you coped with your loss.
Jennie
x
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sorry - i now see that your name is Rheanon - sorry xxx
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Jennie you are right about the emotions with an ectopic being different than the emotions with a miscarriage. I, too, felt guilty about them surgically removing my baby. A baby that was possibly healthy otherwise and would've grown to full term.
Prayers that you recover quickly. I am 4 weeks post-op and am doing pretty good, physically. That first week, though, is tough! I hope you have someone there to take care of you. Luckily, I had a friend fly in to help my husband out with our 2 yr. old daughter, the house, the cooking, and the grocery shopping.
Bethany, should be sending you my story and email address. Feel free to email me anytime. I don't know anyone, personally, who has experienced an ectopic so it would be wonderful to talk to you about it!
God Bless!
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There were a lot of healing things that people did and said. My favorite was the "no words hug." Letting me cry for as long as I needed to cry and not saying anything. Just holding me. I also appreciated the letters of acknowledgement of my BABY and my loss, I received many poems and a picture of Jesus holding a baby. I framed it. I loved the book I'll Hold You in Heaven. Dedicated in memory of my baby. Also I had friends that remembered the "anniversaries" of the date. Just a call and a card to say they were thinking of me and praying for me. I liked the flowers too.
Practically speaking I loved the dinners that were cooked for us and dropped off. Friends picked up my other children for playdates and allowed my husband and I some time alone.
All of these things took the edge off of the insensitive comments I received. People don't want to "bring it up" even though it is all you are thinking about!
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When I had my first miscarriage, my husband thought he was helping by asking people not to talk to me about it- he hated to see me sad. So his parents and family members didn't say anything. But then we were somewhere and his Aunt whom, we weren't extremely close with came up to me, said she was sorry and gave me a big hug. That was over 13 years ago and I still tear up thinking about her reaching out to me. My co-workers gave me a very touching card and a little guardian angel pin, which is in a special place next to my prom earrings, and some other special jewelry given to me from my grandmother. So I think I am most grateful for those people in my life who acknowledged what an incredible loss it was, even though I wasn't through my first trimester.
When I had my 4th miscarriage, I already had my 2 boys. That one was difficult because they knew and were excited about my pregnancy. Even though the pain of losing a pregnancy was not any less this time, I think I had learned a lot by this time, to know not to be offended by other people. Most people don't know what to say to someone who is going through that situation. And I can't remember how, but my inlaws were different this time around. I remember receiving a big hug from my Father in law.
We received a lilac tree from my Mom in rememberance of our loss and I was very touched by her thoughtfulness. Unfortunately, we struggled to keep it alive and we have since moved, so I people might want to consider that when purchasing something like that. Although I really believe that any token of thoughtfulness would be appreicated.
Good luck with your book!
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I have had two miscarriages. My first miscarriage was my fourth pregnancy. After having had 3 children, my miscarriage at 16 weeks was such a shocker! The hardest thing was probably the callous attitude of the medical "professionals". Everyone was just too perky and too nonchalant. I was grieving and very few people seemed to get that. In addition to the fact that losing a baby that far along is definitely hard on the body, I just needed to be alone for a few days but that was not possible. I remember longing for someone to offer to pick up the children so that I could rest. I was having physical pain but had to go home and cook/clean while hubby was at work. Hubby was awesome - very supportive. We named the baby Donnelly and grieved together. However, no one else seemed to realize that A. I was hurting physically and B. I needed a break emotionally from the duties of motherhood.
My second miscarriage occurred at about 6 weeks gestation and was my 7th baby. Emotionally and physically, this was easier for me - I'm not sure if it was because I'd been there before or if it was due to the early date & easier miscarriage physically. I never named this baby as I don't have a good idea about the sex.
When people ask me how many children I have I do not really know how to answer. Sometimes I say "6", because I have 6 living children. However, other times I say, "8" because I believe I do have 8. Unfortunately, nearly everyone assumes I lost a baby in infancy when I say something like, "I have 6 here and 2 with Jesus." When people realize that I lost my babies to miscarriage, I usually get a response of, "Oh! I thought you lost a baby." This response is hurtful. My babies were real. They lived a very short time, it's true. But, they were real. They were mine - still are.
I believe that the Lord allowed me to experience these losses so that I would be able to share a bit of what others feel when they suffer loss (miscarriage/divorce/infertility/etc) & so that I would really understand that God is the author of life. I cannot create life. I cannot will a child to live. I am blessed with 6 wonderful children (Devin, Drew, Odette, Olivia, Onnalee & Dylan) here, and I look forward to meeting my other babes someday in Heaven. There, they are real. I take comfort that I will meet them one day.
Knowing that God is sovereign (in charge) has been my greatest comfort. I rest in His able, compassionate arms.
Thanks!
Tera Wolf
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I wanted to say a big AMEN to your story about saying you have 8 kids. I have never had a miscarriage, but a bunch of us friends were all pregnant/due at the same time. My good friend lost her baby at 7 months. Being that we were all pregnant, it was so hard to hang out with her and for me, I felt such guilt and shame that I still had my baby. One thing that really struck me was something she said after she had her 2nd. "I just want people to know that I have TWO kids!!" Everyone sees her daughter and assumes it's her first. Now every time I talk to her about having more kids, I try to acknowledge that they are going for #3. I don't know if this helps, but I just wanted to reply that I was touched by your comment. Praise God that you are able to share your story (and all you other ladies too!) - it means a lot to me. Although I have never had a miscarriage, we struggle with infertility. I feel encouraged that there are people like you all who believe in God's plan and try to trust and obey, even when it hurts. Thank you, Bethany, for 'hosting' this online version of a great group of women just coming together and sharing, praying and supporting each other. Keep us posted about the book!
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I agree that the hardest part was the callous attitude of the medical professionals. I know that they see this happen many times daily, but it didn't make my loss any easier. I have 2 beautiful daughters, ages 7 and 3. I was 11 weeks pregnant when I found out that my baby died at 8 weeks. I had been bleeding very heavily for about a week when I finally decided to have the D&C. It was such an emotional time for me! My husband and family were wonderful, grieving along with me.
When I awoke after my D&C, the grief hit me hard! When the nurse saw me quietly crying, she tried to console me by saying things like "Well, at least you have 2 little girls at home" and "You'll get pregnant again". Those things are not what a grieving mom wants to hear. Those facts, though true, will never take the place of the little one that we already loved so much. What helped the most were the prayers, the silent hugs, and knowing that my dearest friends were crying for me. I also found great comfort in just being held tight by my husband and grieving together. My father-in-law, whom we all loved very much and who adored his grandchildren, passed away in November and is now in Heaven with his Saviour. I can picture him holding and rocking his grandbaby until we are reunited.
I know that God has a purpose for my baby, regardless of how short it's life was. I know that He will use this experience in my life, whether to strengthen my faith in him, or to allow me to minister to others. I still grieve very much over the loss of this baby (it has only been a week), and am very scared of ever going through this again, even though I want to start trying for another baby very soon. It is my faith, and the prayers and love of my dear family and friends that has gotten me through.
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Hi,
I have had a miscarriage and I think comments like, oh you can always try again or it wasn't really a baby yet are really bad comments. I do however like when people will just listen or hold you. I was given a book when I lost our baby and it is call ( I will hold you in Heaven) it was a perfect book for that time and I cherish it. Loosing a baby is so so hard it never leaves you, if someone hasn't experienced it they really don't get it. I also received a bracelet with the babies birthstone as the beads that was also a special gift.
deezie
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What helped the most was having some one to talk to, some one who wasn't afraid to talk about every aspect of my loss. Naming my babies also helped.
The most wonderful gift I received after a loss was when my secret sister sent me a Mother's Day card from the precious baby I'd just lost. It just blkessed me so much!
I don't think I really needed any *favors* so to speak. I just really needed to talk about my babies and to find some who would talk with me meant so much.
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When we lost our baby at 18 weeks, I had friends who cleaned my house, helped me organize, brought me flowers, planned a lunch menu and bought groceries for it, wrote out scriptures of comfort for me on index cards and brought them to the hospital, prayed with me, and just generally took care of me. They also brought meals for 3 weeks straight.
I have wonderful friends who love to serve. They helped me through a horribly sad time in my life.
I hope this helps you with your book. You are doing a wonderful thing by writing this book. May God bless you!
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I can't thank you all enough for your help. Thank you so very much.
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My first child was stillborn at 23 weeks, not technically a miscarriage, but I thought I could help with your questions. I found it helpful for people to bring over food in the month just after his death. It also helped me to talk about how I was feeling, but I wasn't sure which of my friends/family were comfortable listening. It would have been very helpful if people would have asked about him and offered to lend an ear. I wanted people to know that he was real, he lived inside me and that I was so full of grief that I didn't know what to do with myself most of the time. The gifts that I treasured most were gifts that people had bought as gifts for my son. Because I was so far along in my pregnancy, many people already had gifts ready for my baby shower. I also treasured each card I received in the mail during that time. Just knowing that someone was thinking about me and praying for me was very comforting.
I also sought care through a grief counselor. I went by myself a few times and my DH and I had sessions together to help us communicate our grief to each other. It was nice to talk to a counselor who could tell me that everything I was feeling was completely normal. The hospital where my son was born also offered a Perinatal Loss Parent Support Group. I went to a few meetings with that group because it was comforting to know that I was not the only one that this happened to. Hearing from other mothers and fathers who were also grieving made me feel more "normal" too.
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Another thing I just thought of - it was very helpful to me, after I went back to work, that my friends and co-workers treated me normally, just like they always had. It was hard for me when people would look at my with sadness in their eyes or constantly said "I'm sorry". It was hard to keep my composure at work and I really didn't want to be looked at as "the woman whose baby died". I just wanted to be "their friend".
After reading the other comments, I think that the idea of giving a tree or shrub to be planted in the baby's memory is a great idea. I actually purchased a bush on my own to plant, but it would have been even more special if it were a gift from a loved one.
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I have had a miscarriage, and I am just now realizing with the help of your website that I never dealt with or confronted the emotions involved. I just moved on and never greived. My family and friends were not unsupportive, but did not treat it like any big deal. It was looked at like a common thing that happens to "everyone". Some people taht w meet since then had a miscarriage. They named the baby and had an official funneral for the baby. We were invited but unable to go, I wish we could have. I think that would be a great thing to help one greive and reach closure. I never thought of such a thing when I had mine because like I said it was viewed very differently. I really wish things could have been done differently and that we would have had a funeral.
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My first miscarriage was my 6th baby. I am fortunate to have 5 living beautful children. The staff at the OBGYN was insenstive, unkind, and it hurt really bad. I was in shock and no kind words were offered. The medical staff at the hospital where I had a D&C was much different. They were kind and compassionate to me. I do wish they would have offered to have the chaplin come up to visit me but that thought is in hindsight.
As for my friends and extended family that is another story. They all gave me kinds words the first 2 weeks but after that it just stopped. I was told by one friend that I had demons, one friend got tired of hearing me talk about so I just stopped. Most people I found did not validate a miscarriage as a real "baby" so they could not understand the grief I was feeling. Also, because I had so many other children I was told to be happy and be content by many. Then the shocker came when my own mother many months later told my brother it was time for me to move on and pull myself up by the bootstraps. These comments made me withdraw and stop talking. Bethany was the only one who offered any kind words and support.
I think also because my husband had to go back to work and I was not feeling better for about 2 weeks that meals would have been helpful and maybe a sitter for my then 2 year old.
I had a friend who had 2 miscarriages in one year and I collected money so her family could go out and eat and she would not have to feel obligated to cook. She told me that meant a lot to her.
I think mostly people need to just be kind and offer support in any way the woman and family may need. God calls us to give what we can not what we don't have.
I
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I've had 3 miscarriages. The first was my first pregnancy, and in many ways was the easiest, physically and emotionally. We hadn't actually told anyone I was pregnant yet though, and that was hard. It meant grieving on my own. We named our baby and purchased a necklace designed to be in memory of someone who has died. That helped a lot. It was something physical and tangible.
The next two miscarriages were back to back (March and May) and very physically difficult and much more emotionally intense. Having had two daughters at that point I knew very precisely exactly what I was missing. They were more real to me, if that makes any sense, having had experienced two normal pregnancies.
We also named these babies. That really helps. Then it isn't "the miscarriage" it is my child and all my children have names.
I agree with previous commenters that offers to watch children, or do housework, or bring meals are a HUGE help. People don't seem to realize what an adjustment it is for your body and that you NEED time to recoup.
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What wonderful timing for me to share about my miscarriage as it is so real in my heart. We're coming up on the 5th anniversary of our miscarriage this Sunday. Last night I had a good cry thinking about our baby.
If you have had a miscarriage or a stillbirth, what things did you find helped you during your grieving process? Looking back I believe the most helpful thing to me was that people remembered. My miscarriage was in January and our baby was due in August. I'll never forget those that remembered me during May on Mother's Day. One friend sent me a little Precious Moments figurine that has a heart that says "A Mom's Love Is the Best Gift of All" along with a card. My Mom still sends cards to let us know she remembers on the miscarriage date and expected due date. It hurt more to have people make comments that they may have thought were helpful but really only hurt more (you'll have more kids, something must have been wrong, etc.) It also hurt when people I thought should be more concerned did not ask how I was doing. The book Grieving the Child I Never Knew was helpful as was Silent Grief.
Also, what things do you wish friends had done for you, as favors, while you were grieving...what would have helped? Help with the meals would have been nice although at the time it was just me and my husband and he did a good job with that.
What kind of gifts do you think are appropriate for a mother who has experience miscarriage? I agree that the tree or shrub is a great idea as something physical. My Mom was already making an afghan for the baby when we found out I was pregnant and now keeps that special afghan in a box with some other cards and pictures from the pregnancy. My Mom also made a picture frame with the dates on it. She gave us a footprints pin. They are little feet the size of a baby at 10 weeks. I believe they are advertised for pro life but it fit perfectly for me to give me a tangible thing to see our baby was real. Two friends gave me books and that helped me through the grief.
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If you have had a miscarriage or a stillbirth, what things did you find helped you during your grieving process?
We lost our baby at 8 weeks gestation. The grief was just overwhelming and nothing could have prepared me for that pain. I think that having people acknowledge that we lost a child was what was most important for me. It wasn't the loss of a 'pregnancy', it was our baby.
Also, even though our loss was an early one, our baby was buried in the family section of our cemetery. Having a place to go and place flowers has been very healing.
Also, what things do you wish friends had done for you, as favors, while you were grieving...what would have helped?
Phone calls from well meaning family and friends initally were just too hard. We needed a few days to process what had happened. Also- Now that it has been a year since my miscarriage, it means so much when people speak of our baby to us.
What kind of gifts do you think are appropriate for a mother who has experience miscarriage?
I received a copy of John MacArthur's Safe in the Arms of God. It was wonderful and so helpful. Anything that can be used to remember is very special - a plant, a piece of jewelry, a figurine. Any gift given out of love and concern is much appreciated!
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Oh Bethany! I am so glad you are writing a book! You have such a beautiful and Godly attitude on this subject and I believe you will help many women.
I have never lost a child, so no advice, but lots and lots of encouragement to you!
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You are all such a blessing. I don't know what I'd do without you help.
Thank you so very much!
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i am so excited that you are writing a book- there is never too many books on this subject!! my husband and i have had two miscarriages followed by our two little boys born a year apart who both lived for several hours before going to be with Jesus. We know well the grief of losing what we both would love to have so very much - the pitter patter of little feet running through the house. Despite our loss we could not have made it through were it not for God and the encouragement of friends and family. They did so much for us!
The things that meant the most and that we remember best were the many meals brought to our home- (to not have to worry about what to make for dinner was such a blessing), a tree and bush for our memory garden, at Christmas time someone gave teddy bears with our sons names on them, i have found that leaving your nursery all set up with baby blankets, clothes etc. hanging there can be very healing- i loved sitting in the room praying and crying my heart out!, probably one of the most important things you can do to a friend who lost a baby at birth is to mention the baby's name often- don't be afraid to say the name just because you know tears will well up in my eyes- it means you care and loved my baby too if you remember my baby's name!!, remember the baby's birthday (whether the baby was only 9 weeks along or full term) remembering the date is very important and it doesn't take much to show you remember- just a short visit and a hug or a card, flowers, or a small gift. Another gift that blessed and overwhelmed us was a gift certificate for a get away to a bed and breakfast for the two of us (our wedding anniversary is the day after one of our son's birthdays) and with the birth/death of our son the day before we spent our anniversary night in the hospital so our anniversary wasn't celebrated like we would have wanted to celebrate it. Several months later we used the gift and had a wonderful time of refreshment and relaxation!
i could think of lots more but my brain is getting sleepy!
Thank you for being a blessing to us all! -cris
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What has helped me the most is reading other women's stories. Miscarriage makes you feel so alone, like it is your fault. Reading other women's stories helps you realize that youare not alone. I have found it is much easier to talk to someone about miscarriage when they have been through it themselves. Someone who has never been through it just doesn't understand. I too get the comments..."It wasnt meant to be", "It had something wrong with it", "there is nothing you can do about it now", "be thankful you have one child", be thankful you werent further along"...The list goes on. I know some people dont know what to say...But I would rather complete silence and a hug rather than an insensitive comment that only makes me feel worse. The best thing for me has also been to share my story with other angel mommies.
I think Jewelry is an apropriate gift for a grieving mother. Perhaps the birthstone of when your baby was to born, or was born. An angel pin, something you can wear close to your heart.
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Hi Bethany,
I had a miscarriage between my second and third daughters in 2005, almost exactly 3 years ago. Unfortunately the ones around me didn't know how to handle it and rather hurt me. For one, almost no one even acknowledged my loss. At church no one wanted to say anything about it, I guess for fear of upsetting me, and even family didn't talk to me about it. This really hurt me- I WANTED to talk about it, to acknowledge that I had a child and it died, not just tissue that had to be extracted. (I miscarried at 15 weeks but the baby had been dead for a few weeks and my body wasn't trying to deliver it yet)
No one knew how to help, especially my poor husband. My mom did buy me a book called 'Grieving the child I never knew' and it did help a lot. Talk to the mom about it, acknowledge that she had a baby and is experiencing loss. Talking was what I needed, and no one wanted to listen.
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Oh I understand where you are all coming from about being alone and not having anyone who wants to talk about the baby (for fear of hurting you). It feels awful and it makes you feel like you're the only one who cared about the baby. (hugs) I appreciate so much all of your input, and every single comment will be taken into account in this book. All of your ideas are so important and so heartfelt. I know that this book will help others because it is a compilation of real women's feelings and thoughts on the subject. Others who read the book will certainly know they are not alone in their grief.
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Bethany, I havn't been online in months, so I hadn't read that you were writing a book.
I think the thing that helped me the most during my miscarriages was the support of my husband. Second to that, my online support group helped greatly. Talking to other women, including you, who had gone through the same thing was very helpful.
I know that my instinctual reaction to do for someone who is grieving is to cook for them. I don't know if anyone actually finds this useful, but I know I would.
Our dear friends brought us over some groceries and the wife made me a memorial bracelet. They also just let us talk about how we were feeling. Friends like these were a true blessing. A few months later they also became pregnant, and they shared the news with us in a delicate way. Of course, we were thrilled for them and wouldn't have minded one bit if they came in shouting from the roof tops, but I still thought it was very thoughtful of them to think of our losses.
There were definitely some things that I wish had gone differently. I really needed to know why I kept having problems, and my doctor didn't seem very interested in investigating. The fear that it would happen again and again and again almost paralyzed me.
I also got a few comments that were, shall we say, less than helpful. Things such as "well, it was so early it wasn't *really* a baby" or "well you're young you can always try again" or my personal favorite "well you're young, maybe you just need to wait a bit to have children when your body is more ready". The last one always confused me a bit considering relative youth is an asset to healthy child bearing, but I usually just nodded and smiled and excused myself from the situation.
Of course, there was one person whose response I think should be posted in the all time worst things you could possibly say to someone who just had a miscarriage list.
My husband's cousin and his wife were visiting from out of town. She was pregnant and about a month furter along than I would have been. In the course of conversation they asked if we were going to have any more children. We explained that we had just miscarried.
The woman's response was "well I would trade with you in a heartbeat. I wish I would miscarry this baby, it's just so much work! We went to 6-flags today and I rode all the rollercoasters, hope that's ok haha."
After that, anything anyone said just sort of rolled off our shoulders!
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We lost our first at 20 weeks. What helped/s me the most was knowing that our little boy was with the Lord. My husband was so supportive through it all. My friends that had gone through it were a huge help in getting through it all. It was a huge comfort that someone understood the pain that I was going through.
I feel like after a couple of months, people forgot. I know they didn't, but I just wish that people would have felt comfortable to ask me how I was doing. Another thing that really bothers me, being pregnant again, is people talking like it is my "first." This is my second baby and nothing will ever change that.
My favorite gift that I received was a pearl necklace from my aunt. She said that just as the Lord made that pearl, He created our little one so perfectly and that I could wear this as a reminder. I have not taken it off since the day I got it. Another gift which I loved was a bag of homemade cookies and a CD with songs of comfort - that really ministered to my grieving heart.
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I wish that instead of everyone ignoring what happened, that they would have talked to me about it instead. Everyone kind of went on with their lives thinking that after I had surgery that it was over with. When I brought it up, I got a lot of, "It will get better"'s or, "OH honey, how ARE you?!" Urgh. Those both just made me so angry. How did they think I was?
I also had a 7 month old at the time and could have really used some help with him. I was so depressed I didn't want to play with him.
I quit enjoying life. I would have loved for someone to say, "Come on, we're going to a movie." I needed someone to drag me out of that house where I sat all day for months with the blinds closed in my pj's.
I needed some sort of memorial, or closure. I don't know what, but I never got that. A family member had a stillborn baby about 2 weeks after I miscarried (I was 4 months along.) They had a funeral, and as terrible as it may sound, all I could think about being at that funeral, is that I was jealous she had so much support and I had none. I wanted to get the kind of closure she did.
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I had fantastic practical support from the church to look after my 3 children and meals etc(I had an ectopic and the operation left me in bed for weeks in agony), which I can't thank them enough for. This was brilliant - but actually the people I appreciate most are the few who just sat with me and let me talk talk talk. They needn't have said anything - just listened.
I was really upset with the people said nothing (ie no card - no call - kept their distance).... I know they did not know what to say - and many people did put their foot in it and said terrible things like "there probably never really was a real baby but just a mass of disformed cells" - but still they came and said something. I loved it when people came and just listened to me rabble on and cry and rabble on and cry.
I love the idea of giving the grieving mother a little keepsake for the baby to treasure - I didn't get one but I think it is a great idea.
I also found it helpful when people validated the life of my baby by saying things like "do think the baby was a girl or a boy?". It made my baby more real - like in psalm 139. We prayed and decided our baby was a girl and named her Rachel - which has helped the grieving process.
Another thing a friend said which was really really helpful (they had lost a baby boy at 24 weeks a few years ago) was don't panic about how you feel. Don't feel like you have to pull yourself together and not cry - and don't feel guilty when you laugh - or smile at something.. Don't even feel guilty when you feel nothing at all - grief is a process. I found this particularly helpful as I did feel awful when for a slit second I forgot my grief and laughed at one of my other children doing something funny. I felt i suppose that I had cheated her memory - I know this sounds weird...
I also found it helpful when people visited out of the blue (on a day when perhaps I'd already cried enough to fill a lake) and they sort of sat staring at me or hugging me harder and harder telling me just to "let it out". I couldn't cry on demand - and I felt guilty about that!
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I have been reading all the comments & have taken note of all the great suggestions for those who have experienced miscarriage. Very helpful!
When I was a newlywed 21 years ago, I suffered a miscarriage. I was basically told it was just a glob of cells & genetic material although it was towards the end of the first trimester. I was told it never would have become a baby.
We were also in transit cross country for my husband's new job. That's where the comments came in that it was just as well that it happened because we didn't have a house yet & we'll be able to have children when we were more settled.
I'll say...most of the comments really are difficult to hear like "since there was probably something wrong with it, it was for the best" & "you'll have more". I do think the comments are insensitive but many people who say them are well-meaning & they probably don't know what to say. I sometimes feel at a loss for any words (much less eloquent ones) for a situation. Sometimes things come out wrong & one wishes you could take it back & it's awkward to fix the comment after it has been said. I have been guilty of BIG FOOT in mouth disease. So please forgive those who are stumbling for the appropriate thing to say.
Silence is hard to receive when you want to talk about it. Frustration sets in, as well, when EVERYBODY around you has decided what the "best" time frame is for you to START and STOP grieving. Every situation is different & there's no set & prescribed way to grieve.
I appreciated hugs & acknowledgment that it was a loss of a baby by some who found out. I was in temporary lodging in a new town far away from family & friends. It would have been difficult to give me anything in the form of gifts.
I wasn't a Christian back then so sadly, I didn't have that peace that surpasses understanding. My husband was wonderful though. He gave comfort & support to me & of course, it was a loss for him too.
While a man may not want to talk about it....I do think many completely cut the man out of it. Maybe some could think about including both parties in cards/flowers or other appropriate gifts. The guy is not just a sperm donor. He had hopes & dreams of being a father & that was taken away from him too. On top of it, he's concerned about the mental & physical welfare of his wife so he's facing different stress.
When my sister lost her baby, I sent flowers. It wasn't much but I couldn't be there as she was out-of-state. She had kids & it would have been nice to be with her to help her with cooking & support at home. I just think it's good to offer those who have experienced the miscarriage an ear & a dry shoulder anytime they need it. Even with that offer, it's good to call and just ask "how are you doing" & not take the first answer of "fine". I find time & time again, that's an automatic response & the second time you ask "how are you really doing?", then the real answer follows. I'll pray with them & for them too.
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Thank you so much, all, for continuing to help. I am so grateful.
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I had an early miscarriage--found out I was pregnant one day and miscarried the next. My husband could not believe what I told him that went through my mind about our baby in that 24 hour period. I was thinking about the baby's sex, what room we would put him/her in and lots of other warm thoughts. I felt like no one understood or really even cared. That experience taught me that no matter how early it is--you can be deeply hurt by the loss. A card or note probably would have been nice--just to acknowledge what I was feeling.
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After our twins were stillborn, our families cleaned our house preparing for the funeral the next day and the visitors we would have. (I had been on bed rest and taking it easy, so the house needed the attention!)
My inlaws took care of going to the funeral home and making plans. They also paid for the expenses.
Everyone sent cards. We had so many cards for weeks. It was so supportive. We received flower and plants.
When I miscarried last year, I only received a few cards. They were comforting!
My friend flew from PA. to TN. to spend a few days with me. That meant so much.
My first mother's day after I lost the twins, my husband gave me a Willow Tree figurine of a mother and two little boys, roses, a corsage, and a locket with my babies' pictures. The locket is one of my most precious possessions. Family and friends were also so sweet that day.
My friend sent me a card on both my due date and Mother's Day. Especially, for women like me who have no living children, this acknowledgement that we are "real" mothers means so so much!
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hello
i would just like to say thank you for displaying the images of the baby you lost as 3 days ago i was told i had miscarried at 8 weeks( i was supposeably 9 weeks) and at the time she asked me if i would like to she the screen of my baby and i diclined as i was too upset to look. seeing the images of your baby has helped me a little as i didn't get to see mine.
thank you and god bless to xxxx
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Kellie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am so glad that the picture was able to give you at least a little comfort. I would recommend two books that were very comforting to me, and still are today- "Empty Arms" by Pam Vredevelt, and "I'll hold you in heaven remembrance book" by Debbie heydrick. God bless you and I hope that you will heal quickly.
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