Two Women of Faith
Debra is a woman that I met online about a year ago, after she commented on one of my blog posts. After that, I visited her blog frequently (one that is now private). I read her blog posts about her pregnancy...she had the sweetest posts about how she was teaching her three children about the development of their baby sister or brother.
The first picture she posted was of her hand, holding a sesame seed. Then, she posted her hand holding a lentil bean, and so on. She posted about the cute things her children said and did and how they were all looking forward to the new baby being born. I was happy for her, although I had suffered a miscarriage close to that time.
After her blog went private, I hadn't heard from her for a long time and wondered where she had gone. Finally, I heard from her again a week ago, when she commented on another post I made. She told me that she had lost her dear little daughter to Potters Syndrome, a fatal kidney abnormality, something that is very rare (about 1 in 10,000). (In Potter's Syndrome, the baby's kidneys do not develop in the first weeks of life.)
I went to her memorial site for Isabel., and it is the most beautiful memorial that anyone could ever ask for, in my opinion. Debra is an extremely talented photographer, and writer. Debra has shown so much faith in God during this time when many might doubt God.
I couldn't stop thinking about Debra, and when I saw the picture of her little Isabel on her blog, I knew I had to draw it for her. (Sometimes it's easier for me to communicate my feelings through art rather than words). Here is sweet Isabel's memorial portrait:
Isabel Hope's memorial site
I thought that posting some of the things Debra wrote about her experience might help to inspire others and share how God can be of help during these times of grief, and how he can turn negative situations into something good. Please read her words of wisdom and be inspired...
Debra writes:
"I have had some people tell me that it's sin, (the fact that we live in a fallen world) that caused Isabel's malformation. That these things just happen. I have also been told that it was Satan, who comes to steal, kill and destroy. But I don't believe either of those. The God that I serve is truly Lord of all. Satan didn't slip that by him, and I don't believe it was just a fluke.
In Exodus 4, the Lord told Moses that He made the mute, the deaf, the seeing and the blind.
10 Then Moses
said to the LORD, "O my Lord, I am not
eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue."
11 So the LORD said to
him, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or
the blind? Have not I, the
LORD?
In John 9:1-3, Jesus said that he created the blind man so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
1 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 3 "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
I have peace in His sovereignty. I don't believe it was Satan, I believe God made Isabel without kidneys for a reason, or He allowed her to be made without kidneys. The Lord reigns over all the earth. That brings me peace.
There are sometimes I will think "I went through an entire pregnancy, and my baby is dead." and then burst into tears. I sometimes can't believe it is my life I'm talking about. It's unbelievable to me. It feels like a dream too. Sometimes I think, "Did that really happen?".
I would knit into the wee hours of the night. I was obsessed. The doctors had told me that I could go into early labor anytime, or I could carry her to full term. That was comforting! I just * had* to have things finished before she was born. I wanted her to have something from Mama. So I would knit and knit, just like the lady on the video on my knitting blog called The Last Knit ( www.windingtheskein.blogspot.com) . I would sit there and knit on her blanket, tears welling in my eyes thinking "I can't believe what I'm making will be buried in the ground with the baby in my stomach in a short while." I would think, "She's alive now. Right now, she is alive, I can feel her. How can it be that we know she will die soon, and there's nothing we can do?" It made me want to scream. To explode. The utter helplessness and hopelessness was hard. But what could I do?
Absolutely nothing.
It was up to the Lord. I knew He could save her. He could create kidneys at birth. I knew He could. But would He? I dared not hope too much. I knew He knew my heart. I would leave her in His hands. That's why we named her "consecrated to God". There was nothing else to do, except be angry, but I wasn't. It must have been the grace of God, I really didn't feel angry at God. I did feel so sad. Questioned if he remembered that I was 39 years old? Didn't He know how badly I wanted each and every baby I could have? How hard each pregnancy was? Wouldn't this scare Tony from ever wanting to try again? It's always been me pushing for more kids and him holding back.
It all came down to this...
Do I love you and want the best for you?
Yes Lord.
Does I reign over ALL the earth?
Yes Lord.
Can you trust me even in this?
Yes Lord.
What else is there besides trust in the Lord, the Creator of Heaven and earth? Where else can we turn if not to Him?
When you pass through
the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep
over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be
burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
- Isaiah 43:2
I always wanted the Lord to save me from my troubles. In fact, I still do, course. But I learned that is not His way. Sometimes it is. But generally, no matter how scary the situation you face looks, He will be there beside you to walk through it with you. I was so terrified knowing that I would have to give birth to Isabel and then watch her die. I honestly didn't think I could do it. But somehow, here I am on the other side.
The rain comes down...on everyone. The question is, will we survive the rain? Will our house hold steady?
24 "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Matthew 7:24
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I received an email from a sweet woman named Laura a couple of weeks ago. She asked me if I would be willing to draw a memorial portrait of her daughter, Sofija, who was stillborn. She wanted a picture that she could give to her friends and family, where Sofija would look perfect for them.This is the picture I drew for her:
I asked Laura if she would mind me sharing her story as well. She told me she didn't mind. Laura has also had incredible faith during her time of grief and I think that reading her words will be faith inspiring to those of you who have had similar losses, whether it be of your friend, loved one, child, etc:
Laura writes:
When we learned her heartbeat had stopped, we chose to go home and have our beautiful planned homebirth. We were supported by our two wonderful midwives, Laura's two sisters, a lovely homebirth momma who provided Laura with lots of acupuncture and another lovely homebirth momma who gave Laura a wonderful full body massage. With the help of these wonderful women, Ivars, herbs, homeopathy, lots of castor oil, and prayer, Laura was able to give Sofija the peaceful homebirth she deserved.
Sofija was born into the loving arms of her midwives. Mommy and Daddy held her and cuddled her. We took many pictures, printed her feet and hands, cried together, talked to her and said goodbye. In the week leading up to her birth, Ivars and I had time to talk, process, grieve and love one another through the process. Our midwives were here with us and provided the ultimate support and love. These things would have not been possible in a cold, sterile hospital.
Sofija's homebirth stillbirth has been a sad but wonderful journey. Her birth has opened the eyes of many people and has helped many to come to terms with the loss of their own sweet babies. Death is part of life yet our society tries to avoid it at any cost. We followed all the safety protocols, taking Laura's temperature, drawing bloodwork to make sure she was clotting properly and there were no signs of infection. Being at home also kept Laura from being exposed to all the germs that are so easy to pick up at the hospital. Her physical recovery has been fast and easy and her body is quickly recovering with lots of rest, nourishing food, drink and the company of loved ones.
In the days, weeks, months and years to come, we will remember Sofija and her birth. No other child we have or will have in the future will ever replace her. She is our sweet angel and we were so blessed to have had her for 34 weeks and 2 days. While she was alive, she moved and kicked and hiccuped. The other children talked to her, hugged my belly, came to my midwife appointments, heard her heartbeat, saw her in 3d/4d ultrasound and will always miss their little sister.
Below is a link to the pictures we took after Sofija's birth. If the thought of viewing a stillborn baby upsets you, you do not need to look. However, if you want to see her, realize that she had been still for a week. She had some skin peeling and in the later pictures her condition was deteriorating. She looks like a baby in all of them. The second album at the bottom are when she was first born and she is in the best condition but Laura is not dressed so they should be considered graphic.
http://sofijamarianna.shutterfly.com/action/password/show?re=http%3A%2F%2Fsofijamarianna.shutterfly.com%2Faction%2F%3Fa%3D2BZOGTly5YuTg
The password is : sofija.
When we first found out about this pregnancy, we announced it with a poem Laura wrote. Yesterday, Laura thought it would be fitting to chronicle our pregnancy and stillbirth homebirth with another poem. We have included it below. We hope that as you read it, you see what an impact this has had on our lives. If you know of any other families who have gone through this and need to talk, feel free to share our story and/or have them contact Laura by email. If you want, feel free to email us and ask us questions or share your own story.
Here is Laura's poem (it should be centered but we don't know how to do that in text)
Bittersweet Homebirth
I feel a strange weight
Deep inside
Something is wrong
Yet I hope
I pray
I beg
This can't be right
I listen
Hoping to hear the clippity-clop
Of your sweet heartbeat
But all I hear is...
Silence
I spend the day waiting to feel
your little body move in mine
Yet I know
I cry
I sob
It is already done
Our sweet baby
So wanted
So loved
In the still of the night
Has left us
I am destined
to birth you into silence
In the bed
where we loved you into existence
In the bed
where your brothers arrived before you
In the bed
where I dreamed of your sweet breath
matching the rhythm of mine
in the dark of the night
I push with all my might
The pain is bittersweet
Your arrival will signify
The Beginning
and
The End
I do not want to let you go
But my body releases you
Into the waiting arms
Of our wonderful midwives
Who weep inside for us
But remain strong
For the trying moments
To come
You come at dawn
You are beautiful
So perfect
Yet silent
You have mommy's nose
Hair as dark as night
The sweetest little mouth
We hold you
Cuddle you
We mourn you
Your sweet little hands
Your sweet little feet
So perfect
Just a week before
Moving inside my body
I smile at your beauty
My little Sofija Marianna
I touch your little hands
Pictures are taken
Enough to last eternity
There is no second chance
Soon you will be gone forever
Just a memory
This moment must last a lifetime
My body aches
To feel your sweet breathe
To feel you suckle for the first time
To see you take your first bath with daddy
as all before have done
Yet it is not to be
On the first of July
You were born still at home
An angel on this earth
We will miss you forever
You will always be our sweet Sofija
No other can replace you
Joy will return
Life will continue
But we will never forget
the impact of your tiny form
on our lives
we are forever changed
better for having known you
for even such a brief time
God, in His wisdom
Has taken you home
A sweet angel up in Heaven
His plan is perfect
We are so thankful that we had you
For even the briefest of moments
God knows the imprint
You have left on our hearts
Our sweet little Sofija
In the days
In the weeks
In the years
to come
We will speak your name
Hold each other tight
And remember the time
when you were coming to us
full of life and smiles
destined to run with your brothers and sister
in the warmth of the summer sand
the coldest of snow
the twirl of fall leaves
the beginning warmth of spring
You may not have walked this earth
You may have not breathed the air
Or cried your first cry
But
You will always be
The little girl
I imagined growing up
Full of smiles and mischief
So much like the others
Yet different and unique
Sincerely,
Laura & Ivars
Beautiful! You are also a beautiful person for sharing others stories and making them the BEAUTIFUL tributes in your drawings. You are an amazing person!
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Thank you, Kim..that is so nice of you to say.
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You really are amazing, Bethany! Thank you for sharing.
Those stories touched me deeply. I can't help but look at my little Isabel and shed some tears.
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(((hugs)))
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Sofija has changed all our lives . I was there and saw her first few moments on earth. She is in heaven with God where I her Aunt yearn to be . One great thing is I know when I get to heaven Sofija will be there waiting for me .She has changed my life and my little niece will never be forgotten. Though there will be more children in my sisters home she will never be replaced . Your loving Aunt Melanie-Thank you for drawing this I wish I could hang it on my wall.
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Melanie, thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment here. You and Laura both show tremendous faith in God, and I hope that you both will have comfort and peace.
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Thanks Bethany, these are beautiful.
I needed to see Is 42 today as I am facing a potentially serious physical condition; The waters will not overtake me! It doesn't mean that I will not have to walk through the waters but they will not overtake me!
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Amy, I am so sorry to hear that you are facing this now...I am praying for you.
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I am going to link this post to an infertility/miscarriage message board. Hope you don't mind. I think some of them would really appreciate this.
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I don't mind at all, Liz...anyone who can be encouraged by this I would like to come visit.
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Simply beautiful.
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Thank you for commenting, Valerie (hugs)
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Thank you for sharing these, Bethany. And thank you for drawing the pictures of those beautiful little babies. May the God their Creator be glorified!
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You're absolutely right, Rachel...I do hope that God will be glorified, and others encouraged and inspired by these stories.
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Bethany - I have no words. The tears are streaming down my face, not only at your beautiful drawings, but because of those beautiful stories and the strong mothers that told them. You truly have a gift from the Lord and you are using it in a mighty way. I pray that the Lord will bless you in all that you do.
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Gena, thank you for your kind words. (hugs)
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Hi Bethany, You seem like a very sweet lady. I have been reading over your blog(pasts and present) and they have been a blessing to me. I totally understand the pain of miscarriage. I have had 4 and I am only 24. I know miscarriage is tough but I think (in my mind) it would be harder to carry a child 9 months and he/she is born dead or dies later. I will definitely keep these two ladies in my prayers. I love your drawings, you are most certainly very talented. God bless. Delilah
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Delilah, thank you so much for the comment. I am so sorry to hear of your four losses. No matter what stage you lose a child, it always hurts, so bad. I do think that if you had already felt the kicking and have had more time to bond with the baby, the grief must be much worse than a miscarriage. (and miscarriage itself is SO painful!) I cannot imagine the grief that mothers who lose their children after birth must go through. However, don't let that ever make you feel that your losses were any less worthy - no matter what, each loss was that of a unique individual, no matter what stage of life they are and no matter how long or short of a time you had to bond with them. I hope that you have found comfort and peace since your losses. God bless...
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Ditto all of the above. I have tears down my cheeks, down my neck, down my chest. I'm crying for the mothers who lost their babies, for you Bethany and your sweet blessings you lost, what it must have been like for you as you spent hours drawing, and a little for my own loss as well.
You are most definitely using your talents to glorify God and help other parents. I can't imagine anything more fitting. What a needed ministry you have to offer.
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Aww Sarah, big hugs...
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Bethany,
Thank you again for your beautiful drawing and sharing our story. I hope others will be encouraged to trust the Lord completely with every thing that comes from His Hand, be it good or bad. It has been hard, but I do have great peace that I don't have to understand why. I can trust my Father with the details.
Thank you to all of you who have left such kind comments. They bless my heart.
Debra
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Debra, God bless you.
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I am isabel ,sofijas grandmother.
Sofija has changed everything in our lives, she was a very wanted child and her parents ivars and(laura)are wonderful parents. I can remember the day laura was born and the joy i felt holding her for the first time and cannot image the
pain and grief she felt when sofija was born still. We knew she would be still but i prayed to the Lord every nite that she would not be, but the Lord works in mysterious ways and we will not know his reason until the day we are reunited with sofija and the the Lord. It is hard to understand why this beautiful grandchild was born still and my father(her great grandfather) was able to turn 100 in july 2007.
Thank you so much bethany for this site
and the beautiful drawings of sofija and isabel and letting my daughter laura and isabels mother tell the story of their sweet babies .
May the Lord Bless all who read this precious infants site.
SOFIJAS GRANDMOTHER ISABEL
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Isabel, thank you so much for your comments. God bless you, and I am so sorry for your loss.
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I believe I posted this on the wrong message board earlier, but right now I am just not thinking clearly. Your beautiful poetry and thoughts on this page have consoled my heart today.
I have been searching for the right place to be, or talk with someone online regarding my current situation. I have three teenage children, and recently found out I have misscarried a fourth child, though my tubes were tied over 12 years ago, I did not even know I was pregnant until I started cramping and had some bleeding and was seen in the ER. This would be my first child with my new partner that I love deeper than I ever thought possible, a true friend and soul mate. The baby is about 8 weeks, and I decided to return home to let the baby pass naturally, through unforseen circumstances my partner can not be with me physically right now, and I am feeling quite alone and not really sure what to expect. I am just waiting, sadly for this little life to come. Please let me know if there is a good site to communicate with others that have had or are experiencing the same. Thank you
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Leah, I am so sorry for your loss. I have sent you an email and I hope that it will help. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do. (hugs)
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