Trusting the Lord with my miscarriage
It occured to me the other day, how amazing God's timing is.
Some of you may not have been here when I was first writing in my blog. About the same time I began writing in my blog, was the same time that I had changed my views on birth control. Before then, I had no idea that any Christian might really have a genuine qualm about birth control. I knew that Catholics opposed it, but I didn't actually know why. It's so ingrained in our society that children should be planned that I didn't ever give it a second thought.
It wasn't until after I had one day watched the program about the Duggar family, who had 14 children in the rerun I was watching (they now are expecting number 17), that, while wondering why in the world anyone would choose to have so many children, I decided to visit their website.
I read their statement about how they realized that birth control could sometimes cause miscarriage...and I didn't actually know what they were talking about. I clicked a link that was on their site, the site called "Quiverfull".
From there, I found a book called "Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortions?" by Randy Alcorn, and I decided to purchase the book, to see what this was all about. You can actually read the entire Ebook here for free.
I realized that the information in his book was confirmed, not only by many medical doctors and professors of pathology, the very booklets that are included with birth control pills when you buy them. The very own pill manufacturers have this admission printed on their labels, and I just never noticed it, because I didn't know the language they used was infactual. The third mechanism of the pill which is used to "prevent" pregnancy, according to the labels (the definition of pregnancy has been changed by the medical community since the 1970's to mean "after implantation", instead of "from conception"), is to make the womb inhospitible to the already formed embryo from implanting in the uterus. Because I believe life begins at conception, that means that an abortion can occur as a result of taking the pill.
After this, I began thinking about how birth control and the Bible are incompatible... throughout the Bible, children are referred to as blessings.... women desired them, men desired them, they were thankful for them, they didn't try to prevent them. God opened and closed women's wombs in the Bible... they didn't control their own wombs. I began to think, why would today be any different than back then? God is still the same God He was back then. Why would a child be any less important, any less a blessing, NOW, than they were back then? And why, if God is the one who opens and closes the womb, and I trying to subvert His will by controlling my own womb?
I found some books and articles which explained this position well. Some of the articles were from the Quiverfull site. Some were from Aboverubies.org. I showed these to my husband, and asked him what he felt about them, and if he thought I was being silly to be wondering about this, or if maybe I was missing something, and maybe I was wrong, in his opinion.
He read through all the books, all the articles, and he finally told me that there was not anything he could disagree with. After this time, my husband and I made the decision not to use any methods to prevent pregnancy from then on.
Now, all of this was written to explain the background on where I'm coming from. (If you disagree with my position on this, please understand that I am not posting this trying to force you to do anything. I am simply explaining how I came to this conviction. I know there are some out there that some are offended by these types of beliefs, but my intent is not to offend.)
Before I started thinking this way, if I was trying to have a baby, every time my period would come and I wasn't pregnant, I had felt a terrible sense of failure. I would cry and feel depressed for an entire week....my husband didn't even know how to comfort me. I suppose I had previously felt, at least sunconsciously, that the pregnancy had something to do with myself. I know hormones had a part in this, but I must have felt that I was a "failure" for not being able to conceive. I think that it's not all that uncommon to feel this way either, from what I have heard from others.
After I started thinking this way, and trusting God with my womb, I was neither "trying" or "not trying". I mean, I desired a child, yes. But I was going to patiently wait this time, to see when God wanted me to conceive. Because I was allowing God to control it, I was content with the idea that could have been a mother to only 3 for the rest of my life, or I could one day become a mother to 16...it depended on someone other than myself now.
Every time my period came, I stopped crying about it. I didn't force myself to stop crying, I just didn't feel the need anymore. I had lost that sense of failure. I was able to think to myself, It must simply not be God's time for me to have a baby now", and honestly, that comforted me. Because if God chose not to give me a child, God obviously knows something I do not, and He knows what I need at this time. I can fully trust that He knows what He's doing.
You have no idea what a relief that was for me, to have this mindset. I can't put it into words.
Now, I have to get to the point of this post, which is the miscarriage.
6 months after deciding to trust the Lord with my womb, I became pregnant. I was thrilled. My husband and I were excited to welcome a new child into our lives.
When I was 8 weeks and 9 days pregnant, I was visited with the devastating news that my baby had died within my womb at 6 weeks gestation, and that I would miscarry.
I do not know how I would have handled this had I not been trusting the Lord with my womb. I think that most likely, I would have been feeling a complete and utter sense of failure....I would have wondered if it was something I did that caused it to happen....I would have probably sunk into a deep depression about it and would have not known where to turn. I may have been unconsolable.
One thing that truly helped me through this was absolutely having the faith that God allowed this to happen for a reason, and that despite the fact that the baby was not with me, God had a purpose for my baby's short life. I remembered the verse, "The Lord Giveth, and the Lord Taketh Away....Blessed Be the Name of the Lord".
I know that if God opened my womb to allow me to conceive a child, He already had knowledge of how long this baby would live, and even in that short amount of time, my baby already had a purpose. I know this. And this is comforting to me. God knows more than I do about why we are born on this earth...what is my purpose? Do I know? God knows. What was my baby's purpose? Do I know? God knows. I can rest assured that one day I will know the answers to all these questions, and that gives me tremendous peace.
Some of you may not have been here when I was first writing in my blog. About the same time I began writing in my blog, was the same time that I had changed my views on birth control. Before then, I had no idea that any Christian might really have a genuine qualm about birth control. I knew that Catholics opposed it, but I didn't actually know why. It's so ingrained in our society that children should be planned that I didn't ever give it a second thought.
It wasn't until after I had one day watched the program about the Duggar family, who had 14 children in the rerun I was watching (they now are expecting number 17), that, while wondering why in the world anyone would choose to have so many children, I decided to visit their website.
I read their statement about how they realized that birth control could sometimes cause miscarriage...and I didn't actually know what they were talking about. I clicked a link that was on their site, the site called "Quiverfull".
From there, I found a book called "Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortions?" by Randy Alcorn, and I decided to purchase the book, to see what this was all about. You can actually read the entire Ebook here for free.
I realized that the information in his book was confirmed, not only by many medical doctors and professors of pathology, the very booklets that are included with birth control pills when you buy them. The very own pill manufacturers have this admission printed on their labels, and I just never noticed it, because I didn't know the language they used was infactual. The third mechanism of the pill which is used to "prevent" pregnancy, according to the labels (the definition of pregnancy has been changed by the medical community since the 1970's to mean "after implantation", instead of "from conception"), is to make the womb inhospitible to the already formed embryo from implanting in the uterus. Because I believe life begins at conception, that means that an abortion can occur as a result of taking the pill.
After this, I began thinking about how birth control and the Bible are incompatible... throughout the Bible, children are referred to as blessings.... women desired them, men desired them, they were thankful for them, they didn't try to prevent them. God opened and closed women's wombs in the Bible... they didn't control their own wombs. I began to think, why would today be any different than back then? God is still the same God He was back then. Why would a child be any less important, any less a blessing, NOW, than they were back then? And why, if God is the one who opens and closes the womb, and I trying to subvert His will by controlling my own womb?
I found some books and articles which explained this position well. Some of the articles were from the Quiverfull site. Some were from Aboverubies.org. I showed these to my husband, and asked him what he felt about them, and if he thought I was being silly to be wondering about this, or if maybe I was missing something, and maybe I was wrong, in his opinion.
He read through all the books, all the articles, and he finally told me that there was not anything he could disagree with. After this time, my husband and I made the decision not to use any methods to prevent pregnancy from then on.
Now, all of this was written to explain the background on where I'm coming from. (If you disagree with my position on this, please understand that I am not posting this trying to force you to do anything. I am simply explaining how I came to this conviction. I know there are some out there that some are offended by these types of beliefs, but my intent is not to offend.)
Before I started thinking this way, if I was trying to have a baby, every time my period would come and I wasn't pregnant, I had felt a terrible sense of failure. I would cry and feel depressed for an entire week....my husband didn't even know how to comfort me. I suppose I had previously felt, at least sunconsciously, that the pregnancy had something to do with myself. I know hormones had a part in this, but I must have felt that I was a "failure" for not being able to conceive. I think that it's not all that uncommon to feel this way either, from what I have heard from others.
After I started thinking this way, and trusting God with my womb, I was neither "trying" or "not trying". I mean, I desired a child, yes. But I was going to patiently wait this time, to see when God wanted me to conceive. Because I was allowing God to control it, I was content with the idea that could have been a mother to only 3 for the rest of my life, or I could one day become a mother to 16...it depended on someone other than myself now.
Every time my period came, I stopped crying about it. I didn't force myself to stop crying, I just didn't feel the need anymore. I had lost that sense of failure. I was able to think to myself, It must simply not be God's time for me to have a baby now", and honestly, that comforted me. Because if God chose not to give me a child, God obviously knows something I do not, and He knows what I need at this time. I can fully trust that He knows what He's doing.
You have no idea what a relief that was for me, to have this mindset. I can't put it into words.
Now, I have to get to the point of this post, which is the miscarriage.
6 months after deciding to trust the Lord with my womb, I became pregnant. I was thrilled. My husband and I were excited to welcome a new child into our lives.
When I was 8 weeks and 9 days pregnant, I was visited with the devastating news that my baby had died within my womb at 6 weeks gestation, and that I would miscarry.
I do not know how I would have handled this had I not been trusting the Lord with my womb. I think that most likely, I would have been feeling a complete and utter sense of failure....I would have wondered if it was something I did that caused it to happen....I would have probably sunk into a deep depression about it and would have not known where to turn. I may have been unconsolable.
One thing that truly helped me through this was absolutely having the faith that God allowed this to happen for a reason, and that despite the fact that the baby was not with me, God had a purpose for my baby's short life. I remembered the verse, "The Lord Giveth, and the Lord Taketh Away....Blessed Be the Name of the Lord".
I know that if God opened my womb to allow me to conceive a child, He already had knowledge of how long this baby would live, and even in that short amount of time, my baby already had a purpose. I know this. And this is comforting to me. God knows more than I do about why we are born on this earth...what is my purpose? Do I know? God knows. What was my baby's purpose? Do I know? God knows. I can rest assured that one day I will know the answers to all these questions, and that gives me tremendous peace.
14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16Thine
eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my
members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet
there was none of them.
This is the third month after my miscarriage that I haven't conceived. I do desire to be was pregnant right now...I would love to feel a baby in my tummy. But I know without a doubt that there is a reason I am not pregnant. God knows what He is doing. It is just not time yet. Maybe God wants to allow me more time to heal before conceiving again. I know that when it happens, it will be the best time possible.
I'm sorry this post is so long. I felt like getting all of that out today.
It is good that you & your husband have figured out what works for you. I had my own issues with the pill after nursing my son. Something about having your period every other week makes that an easy decision. When I did take the pill I took the one that was non abortive. I didn't know there was a difference until my stepmom told me about it. Now I can't remember which is which but there are two 'formulas' for the pill. The difference is in the hormones. One prevents conception while the other also provides a hostile environment. IUD's also create hostile environments as far as I know. I think that whatever choice is made regarding birth control - barrier methods, natural planning/calendar methods, or nothing - God is in control. If he wants a child to be born it will happen. My friend's daughter is proof of that. She was conceived within two months of hubby getting snipped. I know that God will bless you with a baby in His timing. Also, I read the posts on your miscarriage and I think you are doing very well. It is okay to cry & grieve the loss, but you aren't getting 'stuck' there. And I think your baby definitely had a purpose. Sorry the comment is so long.
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I realize that this blog & all the comments were written quite some time ago, but just in case anyone stumbles upon this and wonders: all hormonal forms of birth control are abortifacient. This includes the Pill, the mini-pill, the shot, the implant, the patch, and the hormonal IUDs. This is why they are called BIRTH control, not conception control. They allow conception to occur, creating a baby, a life, a soul... but make the mother's womb inhospitable so that the baby cannot implant and will pass out of the womb and die.
Anyone can verify this for themselves, as Bethany pointed out, by checking the paper insert that comes with the birth control. Many of them word this function as "…the rendering of the endometrium unreceptive to implantation."
The progesterone-only pill (mini-pill) is associated with a 40-60% ovulation rate, according to this website.
http://quiverfull.com/birth_control/pill_abortifacient.html
With the combined pill (estrogen to prevent but not eliminate ovulation, plus progesterone to thin the uterine lining to allow chemical abortion), the associated numbers were lower, but the following was concluded:
The frequency of such chemical abortion has been estimated as one in 88 menstrual cycles for a woman continually on the combined pill. This translates to 1.4 million pill-induced abortions in the U.S.A in 1989 according to the study.
IUDs are abortifacient as well, as you stated.
While we wives are responsible for honoring our husband's wishes in this as a part of biblical submission, we are never required to obey our husbands if they ask us to sin. This includes taking chemical abortifacients or deliberately defacing what God gave us. If a husband does not agree with the quiverfull mindset and wishes for a wife to use a barrier method or NFP, God knows her heart and her willingness to obey and to accept a blessing.
I've heard a lot of people say that if God wants to give them a baby, then God will do so, and some people I've met in real life(I'm not implying that it's anyone here; I don't know anyone's story and I don't know their hearts) use that as an excuse to choose their will for their lives instead of seeking God's heart in the matter. I know of one self-professing "Christian" mother of two who said that same thing to me when I warned her that her BCP could cause a conceived baby to die. She seemed utterly unconcerned since if God really wanted her to have a baby, she would get pregnant regardless. This is rather like someone attempting suicide by shooting himself in the head, saying that if it's God's will for him to live, then the trigger will jam.
(The first time I was exposed to the quiverfull teaching was Nov. 2001 when someone lent me "The Way Home" by Mary Pride. It was a real eye opener! Have you read that one?)
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Thank you for the info, Sarah!
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I think I know what kind of pill you're talking about...maybe the lower estrogen pill without progesterone added? I don't know enough about them all to be certain...I just know that the kind I was using (ortho-cyclen) was an abortive type.. I only had used it for 6 months during the beginning of my pregnancy, after the birth of my first baby. I disliked the side effects it gave me, but didn't know anything about the other side effects!
Here's a video I found which can explain how the pill works better than I can:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiCU46_lWeE&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fjillstanek%2Ecom%2F
Thank you for your kind comments...and don't worry, your comment wasn't too long. I appreciate your words.
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It is ironic how the Lord works. Because of recent events I have been thinking a lot about children. As you know, I cannot have any more and sometimes it is difficult for me to accept this. I have been feeling a bit depressed and then you post this. It is beautifully written with all of your heart. Thank you so much for writing this.
Thinking back to my miscarriages I can now see some good things happened from them. If the first miscarriage didn't happen I would have had a 2 year old and a 1 year old when my Mom died. There is no way I could have handled that. If my second miscarriage didn't happen I would have been pregnant when Mom died. I don't even want to think how horrible that would have been considering I cannot take my ADHD meds and anti-depressants when pregnant. My third miscarriage actually helped me to deal with the concept of death, something I had refused to accept my whole life. When Catherine was born, I was prepared mentally to be a mother and her birth actually helped to heal problems in my marriage. I don't know why God took the babies when he did, but I do think there was a purpose. And I know that I will meet them one day.
Thank you for this post! Getting a positive reflection on something like this is a beautiful thing.
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I'm glad you talked about birth control. I was reading up and trying to decided if my DD and I wanted to go that direction and after reading all the problem that could happen (death) I was not going there. I'm 25 and one of the few in my OB that uses a barrier method! Old school yes but so much safer!
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Ooh girly, I sure do feel your pain. I wanted to have another lil' one when our girl was only 6 months old. She's 3 1/2 and it still hasn't happened yet. And it hurts ... and every month that I'm late, my hopes get up that maybe this month I'm pregnant ... then I find out that I'm not and I spend a day or so a little upset about it. But the last time that happened, I decided to just let it go completely. To give it completely to Him and not worry one more bit about it. I still very badly want to be pregnant ... very badly ... but I know it'll come in His time.
We don't use birth control. I never have. I didn't know a whole lot about it, but I just felt it was wrong to try to prevent a pregnancy.
Though, I must say that if the Lord really wants you to have a child, not even the pill will help (Jason's mom got pregnant while on the pill) ... not even getting your tubes tied can prevent it (she got pregnant again after getting her tubes tied).
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It is so hard, I think I miscarried about a month before you did. It seems like the only way to describe is that it hurts like all get out, you grieve like crazy, and trust the Lord even more. Some days are fine, you might not even think about it, and the next day is horrible.
I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.
It is so hard.
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Thank you for this post. I only wish I had realized the consequences of b/c and sterilization before now. I would have more children, because they are blessings, but at the time was pressured into feeling that it was my "obligation" to society to stop after 4. I'm thankful that the Chrisitian community is "waking up" to the fact that society has cornered us into their mindset when it comes to the family.
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Valerie- I am so sorry for your three losses. I find it hard enough to have lost one...I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to lose more than one. I am so thankful that you have been able to see some good that was able to come out of them. One day you will meet them again.
Roxanne, I am happy to hear that.
Brandi, I remember reading that in your blog, and I'm so sorry that it has been such a long time. I am sure that you can relate to Hannah in the Bible. I'm glad that you have given up the control to the Lord, so that you don't have to keep getting depressed every month, like I was doing there for a while. I wish you the best and hope that you will be given another child very soon. Just keep praying and trusting in God's ability to know what is best for you!
Mrs. Pear, I am so sorry for your loss. You're so right...that is exactly how my grieving process has been. I pray that you will be given comfort and peace in this difficult time.
Rachelle, I completely agree...it's so refreshing to see that so many are changing their opinions on this and seeing what has happened to our mindset as Christians. I wish I had seen this sooner too. About tubals...my doctor asked me during 2 of my deliveries, whether I would like to get my tubes tied while I was there. It is so common for this to happen because it is soooo set in our society that children are a burden, and not a blessing. It was hard to convince him that yes, I really do want more children!
Thank you so much for your comments and kind words.
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Rachelle,
Oops, that was assuming you did get a tubal ligation.
By the way, there is a website which raises funds for people who cannot afford to have a tubal reversal, so that they can get their tubes untied and attempt to conceive again. Here is the link, if you happen to be interested:
http://www.blessedarrows.org/
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Bethany,
This is a wonderfully written post! While I never experienced a miscarriage, I have many friends who have. I have seen the pain. I had trouble getting pregnant the second time around. I would see others with small babies and just cry. People asked me why I would not go and get any help to get pregnat. I just told people that I had one healthy child and I had to be greatful for that one. 5 years later I got pregnat with twins. We talked about getting a tubal after the twins. I even signed the paper, but the twins came early and you have to sign a paper 30 days before the procedure and my twins were premature. They were born 2 days shy of the 30 days and they did not even ask me about it. I knew after I had them that the Lord played a part in me not getting that done. Almost 4 months now, I had my 4th child a child that would not be here if I had had that done. I prayed about having it done after this birth and I felt so different this time. My doctor was actually shocked that I got pregnant again. I had had two high risk pregnancies and lots of scar tissue from c-sections, but this baby was meant to be here. I am so happy that we have him. I did have the procedure done this time. I knew and feel I can not have any more and me not be affected. So I really feel there are some cases where it is needed. My last c-section took a lot longer than a normal c-section because of the scar tissue. After the c-section my doctor made a comment that he did not think any doctor would want to go back in there. Anyways, what I am trying toi say is I believe if you are suppose to have a child the Lord will find a way for it to happen. I really think my last child isa miracle, a blessing. You know what, I had less problems with that last pregnancy than any other and it was the only full term pregnancy I had. I am so thankful for all my children.
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Lorie, isn't God so good? I am grateful to hear that he blessed you with children after waiting that long 5 years...and with twins! How wonderful. (Brandy, here's hope!
Thank you for sharing your story, Lorie...and believe me, I completely understand your situation with the c-section. I hope my post didn't give any implication that I would judge anyone for a situation like that. I know you are very thankful for your blessings!
Have a great night!
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Bethany,
I saw your post about getting being able to get help paying for a tubal reversal on that website. Can you really still do that? I had to sign a paper when I had my done that said basically you would never get a tubal reversal. Man, I know so little. Not that I want mine reversed, just curious. I cried when I signed that paper and really wondered how they could make you sign something like that. I did not think you judged me. I hate how society looks at me for being a mother of 4. I do not care though I am suppose to be a mother of 4. Although it is hard to go places by myself with 3, 2 and under. lol! I just wanted people to know that the Lord's time is so much different than our time. I have a friend right now who has had about 5 miscarriages and is finally at a point in her pregnancy that I think she is going to make it. I do hope my story can help you Brandy. By finally putting it in the Lord's hands made a difference for me! And I was blessed with twins when the Lord wanted me to be.
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Lorie, I am so sorry to hear that. I think it borders on abuse to have a woman make such a life changing decision in such a short period of time...and you were crying while signing it? Did they notice this and still wanted you to sign? I think doctors should be more careful about giving tubals to women who might want more children. I don't think they should ever give a tubal to a woman who isn't absolutely certain that she wants it. There are so many women who regret having them done and wish they could go back, but this is pretty much permanent, and reversal is expensive. They won't give tubals to girls who are still young and haven't had children yet to prevent them from regretting their choice later, but they will allow you to cry as you sign forms to make such a huge decision?
I don't know much about tubal reversal, but I did find a website about Tubal reversal with a FAQ:
http://www.tubalreversalexperts.com/page.cfm?id=7
Oh and I completely agree with you...it's difficult to go to town with very young children... Do you ever use those toddler harnesses? I have one that looks like a little monkey that you strap to their back, and the tail is the strap that you hold onto. It helps the littler ones not to run off too far from you, so you don't have to chase them so much.
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Plus, it looks adorable! haha
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I knew it was the right thing that I was doing to have the surgery Bethany, but if you ever read one of those papers you have to sign, well all I can say is it was the way it worded. They used the word "sterilization" and other words that just sound awful! I did have tears in my eyes nobody said anything. But again I knew that I was doing the right thing. Another pregnancy could really harm me. What made me the maddest was the comment my doctor made. I am not Catholic, but he said if the Pope knew how many of those papers he got signed this week he would be in serious trouble." I did not know if that was to make me feel guilty or what. He already told me how dangerous it would be to have anymore. So, I do not know why he said that.
No I do not have any harness, should get some. I got my 4 month old in a front carrier leaving my other hands free for the other two, but it is still hard. Getting them in and out of the car is no fun either. lol
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I'm so sorry, Lorie, for some reason I got your story and Rachelle's mixed up, and was thinking of her story, not yours, when I replied to you. I wasn't thinking about the danger you were in for any future pregnancies. In that case, I totally understand why the doctors were suggesting you get one. I don't know why the doctor would make that comment to you about the pope though..maybe it was just an attempt to make you laugh?
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oops, pushed submit before I was finished..
A poor attempt at timing a joke like that, no doubt!
Oh yeah, when the kids are little it is so frustrating having to strap the in and get them out over and over. I usually avoid going to town as much as I can just because of the hassle of getting them in and out.
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Bethany, I have been extremely impressed with your attitude regarding your loss (and about birth control in general). You have handled it with grace and with trusting the Lord, and since I have not lost a child and cannot speak to it, your blog is the first place I direct people to when they are suffering from a miscarriage.
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable! Who knows how many hearts God will change through you?!
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