A friend going through miscarriage pain
I have been given permission to post some emails that I received recently, from a sweet woman named Shelly, who comments here.
Shelly is still grieving, as you can tell from the emails. You can also see some of our public discussion here.
I have been discussing this with her privately as well, but I think that it could possibly help her a little more, as it helped me, to hear some encouraging comments from others here. There were so many wonderful ladies who supported me through my miscarriage, and who let me in on their similar feelings about their own miscarriages.
I thank you so much for taking the time to comfort me in my time of need. This helped me tremendously through the grieving process.
I would appreciate it so much if some of you ladies could also post to give Shelly some comfort. If you happen to be reading this and have something you can say to uplift her in this situation, please do. It's difficult to grieve alone, but so much easier when you know you have friends who care and are praying for you.
If you would rather talk to her privately, please feel free to send me an email at mail@preciousinfants.com, and I will either send her your email address or get her permission to give you her email address.
Thank you for anything that you can do.
Bethany,
My husband found your web page for me. I have been in such a state of grief for the last several weeks and he is concerned about me. Your web page is so encouraging and tenderhearted.
My husband found your web page for me. I have been in such a state of grief for the last several weeks and he is concerned about me. Your web page is so encouraging and tenderhearted.
I knew in early march that I
was pregnant with our 6th child. I had an OB appointment for April 11th. When
I went in the doctor did all of the usual things and then preceded with an
ultrasound. For a second or so I saw my uterus with a baby but did not see any
heartbeat. The doctor quickly turned the screen from me and then said she could
not get a good visualization. I think I knew at that moment esp. with having 5
previous healthy pregnancies.
She scheduled me for a repeat
ultrasound the following week and told me that if I started bleeding and
cramping to know it is just a miscarriage. I had been experiencing painful back
cramps several weeks prior but did not associate it with a miscarriage.
I went in on April 18th and the
technician told me that the "fetus was not viable" and she could not detect a
heartbeat. The words just hung in the air as I started to cry. She handed me a
tissue and told me "it was natures way of handling something that was not
normal."
I decided on a D&C and have
regretted it every day since the procedure. I was mainly thinking of my 5 year
old who is extremely sensitive and did not want her to see me bleeding or in
pain. I do not have remains as the doctor said there was nothing to give. I do
not have ultrasound pictures only the memory of what I saw.
My grief is horrible and is
affecting my family. My husband is grieving also but in his own way.
I have made a new appointment
with a new GYN. for the end of the month to discuss depression and getting my
tubes tied.
I have reached out to others
but have been told to go on, to get over it, to be happy with my 5 children,
etc.
I don't think I can even
consider trying for other children because the grief is so overwhelming and my
age. My chances for another miscarriage are higher.
Just wanted to share with you
and thank you for sharing the pictures of your baby. The baby was so
beautiful. I kept looking at the tiny hands. Your baby made my baby real if
that makes sense. I am so sorry for your loss.
Another email that Shelly sent, and I received a couple of days ago (after I sent her several pictures of my baby):
Another email that Shelly sent, and I received a couple of days ago (after I sent her several pictures of my baby):
I am now facing the 2nd month and finding that I have to go on but not quite
sure how to .
I so want to talk about the
baby but beyond the miscarriage there is nothing to say. I will never get to
have the firsts as you very well know.
I showed my mom the pictures of
your precious BLESSING and I think she was shocked at how much detail there
was.
I am just going through the
grief but will it ever end?
How are you dealing with the
grief? Do you give yourself permission to grieve when it comes? I sat here
tonight and listened to a song called "homesick" by Mercy Me. I just cried and
cried. Oh how heaven looks even better now.
Thanks so much. I posted a
new recipe tonight under cooking. My husband commented how this website of
yours has been a blessing and a lifesaver to me.
Shelly is still grieving, as you can tell from the emails. You can also see some of our public discussion here.
I have been discussing this with her privately as well, but I think that it could possibly help her a little more, as it helped me, to hear some encouraging comments from others here. There were so many wonderful ladies who supported me through my miscarriage, and who let me in on their similar feelings about their own miscarriages.
I thank you so much for taking the time to comfort me in my time of need. This helped me tremendously through the grieving process.
I would appreciate it so much if some of you ladies could also post to give Shelly some comfort. If you happen to be reading this and have something you can say to uplift her in this situation, please do. It's difficult to grieve alone, but so much easier when you know you have friends who care and are praying for you.
If you would rather talk to her privately, please feel free to send me an email at mail@preciousinfants.com, and I will either send her your email address or get her permission to give you her email address.
Thank you for anything that you can do.
Shelly -
Grieving for a miscarriage is very difficult because there is no closure. With other deaths there are viewings, wakes, funerals etc. But with a miscarriage there is none of that. And only you knew the person who died, which makes this even more difficult. If you want to talk about the baby, then do it. Even if it is just talking about what you saw on the ultrasound, or how you felt when someone said "not viable". I did find it difficult to talk to people who thought I shouldn't be as upset as I was. I went to my Dr and I got the name of a support group that was run by the hospital at no charge. I found peace there because I finally found people who knew what I was talking about. They knew the feelings and the loss. They understood. If you have something like that, I would highly recommend it.
Please do not regret your D&C. You did what was right for your family and that is what Mother's do. I had a D&C with my 1st miscarriage. With the other 2 miscarriages I let nature take its course. I was unable to see anything like what Bethany was able to see. I'm not sure how hard I looked, but I think Bethany was meant to find Blessing so she could educate women on reality. She has that strength, so I believe that is why God gave her the sight to see the impossible.
Give yourself permission to grieve, if you don't it will just fester inside of you. If you have to have a friend or family member to come over and watch the kids so you can cry, do it! You need to get it out. You also need to have your husband and you on the same path. You said he was dealing with it in his own way and this tells me that you have separated yourselves from each other on this issue. This is very common from what I have heard. Take a night where just the two of you can be together without the kids. If you want to talk about the miscarriage, then do it. If you just want to hold hands, then do that. The two of you need to stay connected on this. I know out of experience that it just seems easier to deal with all of the pain alone. You might feel ridiculous for feeling the way you do and afraid he may not understand. If this is the case, he may not "understand" but he will "feel with you". If that makes sense.
Hopefully this helped a bit. Sorry for being so long winded.
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I am so truly sorry, I too had a miscarriage and it truly is so hard, and no matter what other people say you still grive for that baby, I pray that one day you can gain strength from God to heal from this terrible loss! My heart goes out to you I know the pain and you are in my thoughts and prayers!
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Shelly,
I understand how you feel. Really. After giving birth to 5 children I had 2 miscarriages. It was very hard, others do tend to think that the children you have should be enough comfort-- but it isn't. I also had a D&C in order to be able to take care of my children sooner. After I saw Bethany's testimony and saw the pictures, I do have regrets that I didn't let nature take it's course, but at the time, I didn't have the wisdom I do now.
I did have another son after that and am now pregnant with my 7th (9th officially)--That is something that never goes away. The compelling need to share of the ones we have lost.
It is still now even hard to connect with the baby I am carrying. I am 12 weeks and past the time it was when I lost them, but even though my great faith in God stands firm, my human nature wonders should I dare love this one yet.
I hope you are able to grieve the way you are intended to. We named our babies for the sake of the children. It helped them.
God bless,
Cheryl
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Shelly, I hope you will have a good Sunday today. (((hugs)))
Thanks Valerie, anonymous, and Cheryl for your caring words.
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Valerie, Anonymous, Cheryl, and Bethany
Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. I thought I was doing better but then blam it hit me hard. I have started a new job which is distracting me for a few hours a day.
I feel as if most of my friends and family just don't get it. Life is supposed to go on as if nothing ever happened. My baby was not just a cold but that is how most people treat the whole situation.
I am so thankful for my living children and treasure them even more now. It is hard to even talk about the whole thing now because the "lotted amount of time of grief" has passed. I wish others understood my pain but mostly I feel like a burden when talking so I have just quit.
I am going to a new doctor on Tuesday to talk with her about my hormones and hopefully she can offer me some help.
well, I am thankful that Bethany has opened up a place to talk about this. I feel safe here and know so many of you are experiencing or have experienced what I am going through. I believe God is using Bethany. I hope this helps others also.
Thank you again for your words of support and encouragement.
This loss of a child is horrible but maybe God will use it for good one day.
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Sweet Shelly,
May the Lord bless you and give you peace. I too have suffered miscarriages. 3 to be exact. The last one was a set of twins. One was perfect the other had blood around the placenta and I was told no heartbeat. At that time I was 35. I felt so alone, so broken. I even went to a fertility specialist & was told I would never be able to carry a baby unless maybe if I took daily injections of heparin & progesterone & then we would have to just "cross our fingers". But less than 6 weeks later, against Doctors orders I conceived again. I cannot even describe the fear that rose in me; but 5 years later I am expecting baby number 2 in 9 weeks. I was concerned about my "advanced maternal age" but I dug my heels in & decided to trust the Lord. I also changed doctors and found one that really seemed to understand & work with me. Remember grieving is part of the process and no one quite understands what you have gone through. It make take a while & it may not just take one day at a time & know you are NOT alone. May the Lord bless you!
Suzeq
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Suzeq,
Thank you for your kind and understanding words. I am also sorry for your losses. I was talking to my husband tonight about how my faith right now is believing not seeing. I am standing on the knowledge that I have of my sweet Jesus. I think where is my baby? Does Jesus have a special place for him and all of the others that have gone before and will go after? Thank you for allowing me to grieve so openly and for sharing with me your own pain. Congrats on the baby and I will be praying for you.
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Suzeq, your post was so kindhearted. Thank you for providing hope that even after your miscarriages, despite your maternal age, you continued trusting the Lord and ended up being pregnant again, this time with a child who is about to be born. What a great testimony...and congratulations!!
Shelly, I believe firmly that babies are in Heaven when they die. One portion of the Bible which confirms this is the passage which talks about David and Bathsheba's baby. The baby was dying, and David cried to God and wept bitterly for several days, until the child died. When the child died, David washed his face and began eating again. When asked why he had stopped crying now that the child had died, David replied, "While the child was living, I fasted and wept, thinking, 'Perhaps the LORD will grant me the child's life.'
But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again?
I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."
David knew that the baby was safe in Heaven and that he would indeed meet him again...I hope that this will comfort you as it did me.
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Bethany, Thank you for those words. They do comfort me. The words of all these ladies comfort me and I am most grateful for their words of encouragement and comfort...many times like yourself in their own grief. Thanks again and much love
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How are you doing today, Shelly?
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Bethany,
Sorry to have taken so long to post back. I have been working every night and weekends so my time on the computer has lessened. I started on some anti-depressant medication on the 5th of June. It takes 2 weeks to take effect. The doctor said the miscarriage and hormones probably are the cause and the good news is that it will go away. She said this is not a long term mediation. My headaches are fewer and less severe. I am able to sleep some now. My irritability is less with the kids, although not gone. I am running when I can before work and that is helping also. I think I just did not handle this the way I had imagined I could when I suspected the pregnancy was possibly in danger. The loss of a child is horrible but now I am having to take one day at a time with God and allow Him to heal my heart and body. I work with a pregnant unwed teen and that is hard to see everyday but she is so sweet so that makes it a bit easier. Yesterday I would have been 16 weeks 4 days along. I think of the age of my miscarried baby so much and what he/she would have looked like at the stages of development. I think about being in maternity clothes and feeling more movement. But, like I already told you I have to allow God to take me one day at a time. I am learning something about relationship with God through this--to trust Him to take care of our daily needs and not be afraid to ask for them. Maybe that is the Fatherly Love that He has for us/me? I don't cry as much now but mainly because I don't want to burden my family. I try to take time a few times a week to still grieve. I am still journaling and that is so helpful. I also am just thankful to have this wonderful place to come and visit. I have found other blogs to be too depressing to go to. It makes my pain so much larger and I can't seem to be able to help others right now with their pain. Maybe in time that will come. Sorry this is so long. Shelly
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