I have finally found closure
Last night, at about 1:50, the baby finally miscarried. I was going to post the whole story of how it happened and everything, but was afraid that some of it would be too graphic for some, and didn't want to offend anyone. If you happen to want to know the story, I will be happy to share it with you though. Just send me an email.
My miscarriage was actually almost pain free, thank the Lord! I did have some monthly type cramping, but that is all. I know that pain will continue until everything has passed, but it's nothing I can't handle.
I do have to let you know that my baby was so amazing, and I was in awe at God's creation!! All the fingers and toes were there, and they were perfect! ....the baby was the size of a little bean.... looked so much like those pictures you can find on the internet (here is an example). I think that the baby must have been 6 weeks when he or she died. God gave me the grace last night to handle it all, and I truly feel that I have been given a peace somehow through, after having gone through this.
My baby's hands.
I don't know why, but for some reason, actually seeing the baby is what brought me closure. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief once I saw it.... I can't figure out why that would be, but I am thankful.
My husband was asleep as I went through the rest of the miscarriage, and when he awoke in the morning, I told him what had happened. He said he was thankful for my sake that it had happened quickly and without too much pain. He could not look at the baby though. I think that for him, it would be too hard to see that. I did take pictures which I will not show him unless he asks. I did not want to forget what the baby looked like.
I have the baby in a little jewelry box that I bought especially for this day, and we'll be planting the tree (we decided on the Snow Fountain Willow) tonight.
I am sorry that so many of my latest posts have been kind of depressing. I don't ever want to make anyone feel bad.
This journal has been so theraputic for me in dealing with my loss, and I appreciate you all staying there as I talked about my feelings and cried.
I think that from this day on, I should be feeling much, much better. I know that your prayers have had such an impact on me and my family!
Thanks again for all the kind words and thoughts. Hope you all have a wonderful day!
My miscarriage was actually almost pain free, thank the Lord! I did have some monthly type cramping, but that is all. I know that pain will continue until everything has passed, but it's nothing I can't handle.
I do have to let you know that my baby was so amazing, and I was in awe at God's creation!! All the fingers and toes were there, and they were perfect! ....the baby was the size of a little bean.... looked so much like those pictures you can find on the internet (here is an example). I think that the baby must have been 6 weeks when he or she died. God gave me the grace last night to handle it all, and I truly feel that I have been given a peace somehow through, after having gone through this.
My baby's hands.
I don't know why, but for some reason, actually seeing the baby is what brought me closure. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief once I saw it.... I can't figure out why that would be, but I am thankful.
My husband was asleep as I went through the rest of the miscarriage, and when he awoke in the morning, I told him what had happened. He said he was thankful for my sake that it had happened quickly and without too much pain. He could not look at the baby though. I think that for him, it would be too hard to see that. I did take pictures which I will not show him unless he asks. I did not want to forget what the baby looked like.
I have the baby in a little jewelry box that I bought especially for this day, and we'll be planting the tree (we decided on the Snow Fountain Willow) tonight.
I am sorry that so many of my latest posts have been kind of depressing. I don't ever want to make anyone feel bad.
This journal has been so theraputic for me in dealing with my loss, and I appreciate you all staying there as I talked about my feelings and cried.
I think that from this day on, I should be feeling much, much better. I know that your prayers have had such an impact on me and my family!
Thanks again for all the kind words and thoughts. Hope you all have a wonderful day!
I'm so glad you were able to find some closure, sweetie. Sending you lots of hugs...love you!! **hugs**
Reply to this
Bethany, I am amazed that you have the baby and it is so perfectly formed. That is amazing to me. And people think that when someone has an abortion it isn't a real baby? I don't get it. I am just happy that you have found peace and that it wasn't painful. Enjoy this precious time with your family. I am sure it will bring you all closer. You have a wonderful supportive husband. Good luck with everything!
Reply to this
Praise God that he gave you the grace to handle everything last night. I am glad that you are doing better. Take care.
Reply to this
Lisa and Christine, thank you so much. Jennifer, I couldn't agree with you more. Abortion- just the word itself makes me so, so terribly sad. It just drives me insane thinking that people- and not just people, but MOTHERS could be willing to abort their own children and be willing to tell themselves that it is not a "real baby" even though it has been proven time and time again that there is absolutely no difference except the stage of development! Just as a baby is no less important than a toddler, and a toddler is no less important than a teenager...an unborn child is no less important than a baby.
And the things "they" say to desensitize people to the idea of abortion, and to dehumanize babies... "blob of cells", "clump of tissue", "non viable fetus", and so many more...it just sickens me and finally, after all this time, although I never would have wished this to happen, I do finally have the "proof", so to speak, that babies are NOT just blobs of tissue,....they are intricate and complex even from the very beginning! I knew this all along, but having the confirmation really does help. Oh Im sorry for ranting, the word abortion just sets off so many triggers in my mind.
Reply to this
I agree with you about even the word, abortion. It made me positively ill that the medical term for a miscarriage is "spontaneous abortion," with my particular situation of a missed miscarriage sounding even worse: "missed abortion." "Missed abortion"??? Are you kidding me?
Reply to this
I know, I soooo know what you mean...mine was a "missed abortion" too. It really is a word I think they should change, for the sake of mother's feelings. "Missed Miscarriage" is what I usually call mine regardless of the technical terms.
Reply to this
Bethany, thank you for sharing that photo. As painful as this has been for you, pictures like that are an incredible (and beautiful!) testimony to the reality of life and personhood within the womb. Even "educational" materials fail to show the reality, especially early on.
Sending you lots of cyber-hugs!
Reply to this
Thank you, Margaret. (((hugs)))
Reply to this
Bethany, Your little baby is amazing. I have never seen one so tiny. I could never imagine what my babies looked like until they were born. It's just so miraculous to think of them being inside! Thanks for sharing; I'm glad your miscarriage happened naturally and quietly, at home.
Reply to this
Thank you so much, Tammy. >>>hugs<<<
I was also very relieved that it happened with no complications (so far)...I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow to see if they see any remaining tissue, but hopefully there will be none!
Thank you for thinking of me and taking the time to comment!
Reply to this
Bethany I remember feeling a tremendous amount of relief when the baby finally came out. I saw my baby, and held him in my hands. He was still inside the sac and I could even see the little yolk sac that floats around in there during the first several weeks of pregnancy. I saw the dark spots for the eyes but it was hard to really see much more of the detail since he was still floating around inside the sac. I think though, I felt like I got to hold my baby. It was a good feeling. I never thought I would. I notice a lot of simliar feelings that you have had and that I had. I think now that it's pretty normal to go through a series of emotions when you have a miscarriage. It's a painful thing. I love seeing your baby's fingers though. Very precious.
Reply to this
You know, Sandi, I thought a lot about you when I saw the baby, because I had remembered about a year ago when you had shared your experience with me...It's a story that's kind of hard to forget, if you know what I mean.
I really appreciate you letting me know that we had such similar stories, and feelings. It's always a little bit nicer to know that there is someone out there who truly understands what you've been through, even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Unfortunately, it happens quite a lot, but I do know that God has a reason for each and every one of them. We just don't know what the reasons are. God's ways are higher than our ways, and his thoughts are much higher than our thoughts...we just can't comprehend what he has in store for each and every one of us.
At least we can rest assured that our children are in a better place right now. ((((hugs))))
Reply to this
I have an article on my blog which I would like to share with you and all mothers who have lost a baby..
We went to see our newest granddaughter, Rachel, in the hospital. She was born at 32 weeks like my still-born identical twin girls, Sarah Robyn and Ruth Glenys. They would have been 38 years old.
I stood transfixed at the humidicrib, looking at Rachel’s tiny features, envisioning my babies who I didn’t even see, let alone hold. It was a bittersweet moment. You know, if my babies had been born in this day, they would have lived! Losing them has made me feel so much for every lady I hear of who wants a baby, loses one, or has one still-born. May God give you the desires of your heart!
He has blessed me with four children of my own and two step- children, but I will always remember my little angels, now safe in Father’s Arms, but living forever in my heart. Knowing that I will see them one day gives me hope, for it is written in God’s Word, “in Heaven their angels always see the face of My Father” (Matt 18:10). And so comes this poem written for my babies and for parents of “Little Angels” and the families who miss them. May it bring you hope and comfort, too.
O, our Little Angels,
If you had only lived,
There’s nothing in this whole world
That for you we would not give..
On clouds of love we’d lay you down,
Tuck moon-beams round your sides-
We’d dim the light of distant stars,
And sing you lullabies.
We’d linger by your cradle
As we’d gaze at you in awe;
To us you’d be our own angels,
Too perfect for this world.
You must have dreamt of Heaven,
For you decided not to stay,
The angels came and took you
As under our hearts you lay.
Now Jesus gently rocks you
In His strong and tender arms-
We know now, Little Angels
You are safe from any harm.
Lord, lay them down
In a cradle of gold,
Tuck rainbows round their sides-
Cover them with Your angels’ wings,
And if they ever cry,
Tell them Mum and Dad are coming
Just as soon as they awake-
Please kiss our little angels, Lord,
And love them in our place.
© Glenys Robyn Hicks
Reply to this
Glenys, thank you so much for sharing your story, and your kind words.... and thank you so much for the beautiful poem!!
Reply to this
I just happened on your blog thru Works for me Wed. I read about you taking pictures of you baby. We lost our 1st son at 20 weeks and the hosp. took pictures with a disposable camera and then gave it to us to develope when we wanted. My sister in law ask if she could show the pictures to her then 7 and 9 year old daughters. She wanted them to know that even though at 20 weeks they still do abortions the baby is complete, fingers, fingernail, and all. Maybe some day not only will your husband look at these pictures, but you can also show them to your children and they too will understand the importance of God's work.
Reply to this
Mama, I sent you an email. Thank you for the kinds words.
Reply to this
You have helped me so much in sharing your story, the Lord's grace got me through our miscaraige. It's good to hear other people talking about their babies as actual babies, and not things.
Reply to this
Shar, I am so sorry for your loss, and I agree with you completely about what you said... I feel the same way. ((hug))
Reply to this
This past week, I discovered the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage site because I was told last Tuesday at 5 weeks pregnant that my hCG levels and spotting indicated that I was probably going to lose my precious baby. I found your blog through that site, and I've been crying so hard as I read your posts. You see, I didn't know it then, but I think I lost my baby that Tuesday night. I was bleeding, and I felt something drop out -- I was praying that it was just decidual bleeding -- but my bleeding has slowed to occasional spotting since then, and I think that what I felt that night was my little boy or girl going to Heaven. I wish I would have seen him or her. I wish I would have realized at the time that that was probably what was happening. I feel so horrible because I didn't know. I understand how you feel about seeing and closure, and I don't have that, and I feel so guilty and so very, very sad.
You are so brave, and I admire how strong you are. I don't think I'm that strong. It's the waiting to be sure that's so hard for me, as my doctor won't do another hCG until this Friday. After what happened a week ago tomorrow, I truly think my baby is already gone to Heaven. Waiting for confirmation just makes the pain worse.
I have a name in mind for my baby, but I haven't even told my husband yet, because I need to know for sure. I can't let him or her leave me without a name.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain; I'm feeling it now. At only three weeks gestation, I'm not sure what my baby looked like, but I wish I would have thought to look at him or her -- or at least to try to. I will never forgive myself for that.
I'm sorry this post is so disjointed. It probably doesn't make sense. I don't have anyone to talk to about what I'm feeling, so thank you for listening to me.
God bless you and your family.
Reply to this
Dana, first of all, I am tremendously sorry for the pain that I know you are going through right now. I wish I could hug you.
Please do not ever blame yourself for not being able to find your baby.
It is not that often that people are able to find their babies during miscarriage- I was fortunate with my first miscarriage (the one referred to above)...but not with my second, which happened 3 months later. I was too early, I suppose... I remember dreaming that I had found the baby, only to wake up and the blood was slowing down and I knew it wasn't going to happen. Three separate times I had the dream that I found the baby, but I did not.
Dana, even though you haven't been able to find your baby during this time, I promise, you will be able to find that closure. It takes time, but I promise, you will heal.
And no matter what, please remember this: your baby's life was significant and had a purpose.
What the purpose was, we may never know on this side of heaven, but God creates us all with a purpose...we are all created in His image, and formed in the womb by His hands...not a sparrow falls to the ground without Him knowing. He cannot forget a little child, no matter how small.
I understand how painful it is to not be able to find your baby.. You want to be able to see and hold your baby one time before letting go. I know it's hard but please do not ever blame yourself. It's no one's fault, not at all.
What I would recommend that you do is to please, go ahead and have your own memorial for your baby...make a box filled with any memories that you have of the baby. Your positive pregnancy test. A letter you receive from a friend congratulating you about your pregnancy. These things may be hard to look at right now, but they confirm that you had a little child, that it wasn't just a dream, that your child meant something.
Next, name your child. You do not have to name your child anything that is gender specific.... For instance, I named my first Blessing, and my second, Faith.
Buy a necklace with a pendant on it, or something else that you can wear and remember your baby by.
And please, allow yourself the time to grieve. Don't feel ashamed for grieving. Many people may tell you to move on, after a period of time,...but please, allow yourself the time that YOU need to grieve, and don't let anyone ever tell you that you're overreacting. Your loss is just as important as any other mother's loss. You lost a unique human being. You lost your child. There is nothing wrong with grieving your child.
Write a poem to your child, and put it in your box.
I don't know if these are helpful to you, Dana, but I sincerely hope that it has helped at least a little. Please know that I am thinking of you and will pray for you. I pray that your healing will come quickly.
Reply to this
I went over this web site and I believe you have a lot of great info, saved to bookmarks (:.
Some truly nice and useful info on this site, as well I believe the pattern contains good features.
Dead written content, Really enjoyed looking through.
I like this blog so much, bookmarked.
Some really nice stuff on this website , I it.
Reply to this
May I ask how you were able to 'find' the baby? I am in awe of your pictures, they're truly amazing!
Reply to this
Beth,
Last week I found out my baby had stopped growing. I was supposed to be 14 weeks and measured at 8weeks and some days. I was devastated. I couldn't believe I couldn't tell my baby was gone. The Dr and RN were very sensitive and allowed me to cry in the exam rm. Thank God I had my hubby by my side. The Dr. reassured me it wasn't my fault. He gave me the option to have a d&c, induce miscarriage, or wait for a natural miscarriage. I chose the latter. Oddly enough, that same night I began to spot. I hadn't spot or anything previously. The next day it was more bleeding. It was as if I had mentally kept my pregnancy there. As terrible as it was I'm glad it happened the way it did. It allowed me to prepare myself for what was coming. On Monday I got what I believe were contractions. I was NOT expecting that at all! I felt myself bleed but I didn't miscarry. It was just a bunch of jelly like fluid. But yesterday at 1145 at night I got the contractions again. For an hour I laid in bed and tried to get comfortable and couldn't. Then by 12:45 a contraction came and a feeling of "pop" happened. Quickly I felt a gush come out. I knew then that was it. I went to the toilet and realized I couldn't flush my baby. I placed bags on my hand and "rescued" it. I had no idea what I was going to do, but you know seeing it. In all it's perfection gave me closure. It made my baby real. It's little hands and head and eyes. It even looked as if it was smiling for me. I too, took pictures of her. I say her because I dreamt it was a little girl. I named her Elizabeth. That afternoon my hubby and I decided to bury her in a potted plant. We bought a beautiful pot and laid her little tiny body to rest. I still can't believe this happened to me, but I'm so glad I am being able to feel some sense of closure. Reading your blog has truly made me feel normal. Our babies who are now angels truly were a living life and deserve respect. Thank you for sharing your story.
Reply to this
This little baby look so peaceful. You are lucky. I had to have an abortion with pills when I was only 6 weeks bcz my bf and I are still unmarried and no firm financial background yet. I saw how the baby came out of me bloody and fleshy. Nothing has ever made me sadder than that scene. A million times I wished I could raise him/her but no chance.
Believe me, if you had a miscarriage you are lucky at least luckier than me. I am suffering for the rest of my life because I have the feeling that I killed my baby. All I remember is blood and the baby in pieces. It abortion hurt me, how it must have hurted the baby to be teared into pieces.
Reply to this
Su, I am so very sorry for your loss. There is no sin that is greater than God can forgive. I have a friend who had an abortion and has since found forgiveness and healing and she would absolutely love to share her story with you and help you find comfort and closure. Email her if you are interested...her email is Carla (at) jillstanekcom
Please email me anytime you need anything! Mail (at) preciousinfantscom
Reply to this
Sorry, that is mail @ preciousinfantscom. (remove the spaces)
Reply to this
Oh I see, spell check is removing the dot. Here it is again, one more time.
Mail @ preciousinfants (dot) com
Reply to this