Voice recital yesterday, ended in tears
Yesterday, I had been feeling fine the whole day, laughing and cutting up with people and things like that. My mom took me out to a great new Deli that just opened up, and the food was delicious.
I had to go to my voice recital at 3:00, so after eating lunch, she took the kids with her to her house, and I left for college.
I got there, and listened to all the other students singing their songs. Most of the music that is sung in these lessons is classical or relgious music... so halfway through the recital, I started to feel uneasy and a little bit emotional. I just wanted to go home and lay down. I went from being happy to being sad in an instant.
The teacher called me up to sing my song, which just happens to be a song from Psalms...a cry to God during emotional times. Halfway through the song, when I heard myself singing, "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I", my voice went out. I know the students just thought that I couldn't hit that note, but I was about to cry. I had to force myself not to, reminding myself that if I cried, I might have to explain to all those people there why I was crying.
I sang the rest of the song, doing a better job through the next part, but as soon as I got down to my seat, tears started welling in my eyes. I had to keep wiping them away, and trying to hide it from everyone else. I was in the back but there were a few people who might have seen. When the recital was over, I went to the bathroom to cry a little bit more and then I powdered my face and reapplied my makeup, and walked toward the door to leave....
when I passed the office where my teacher was by then, she said, "Hi Bethany!" I walked back by the office to reply, and said "Hi." Then I apologized to her for messing up during the song. I felt bad about it, because I have never had a problem with that song. She told me that sometimes that just happens and that it was ok... And I said, "yeah I've just had a hard week"...or, that's what I TRIED to say. What I ended up doing was crying that whole sentence.
And then I was so embarrassed that I had started crying again that I started to walk towards the door and then she realized I was really sad and she said, "Oh my gosh, Bethany, are you ok?"
She closed the door and sat down and gave me a kleenex and asked what the matter was.
I really didn't want to burden her. I am so not used to crying in front of people... I try to avoid it at all costs... but as soon as she started giving me compassion, I couldn't turn it off. It just kept coming. I kept telling myself, "control yourself, control yourself. Just stop crying, she doesn't need to be burdened with my problems, just calm down", but I couldn't do what I wanted to do.
I ended up telling her the whole story...and it was hard to choke out. She was very understanding and she told me that some things to try to comfort me...one of them was that sometimes God knows things that we don't know. And sometimes there are things we just don't understand but God does understand.
I do understand that and believe it with all my heart. I guess it just doesn't help me to not be sad though. I must still have to grieve a while, regardless of the logical knowledge that God knows best.
Anyway, I had thought that I was "over it"....not really over it, but at least over the extreme sad feelings...I thought I could at least control myself around people, but I guess not yet.
I wonder how long I will feel this pain? I never would have thought that I could have been this emotional about a baby that I haven't even seen, at this early of a stage. I have always believed that it would make me sad if it ever happened, but I never realized the extent to which it hurts you, deep down.
I wonder if people think I'm crazy for being this sad over a miscarriage.... I don't know. It's hard to understand until you go through it. I know that I was only 8 weeks, but I believe with all my heart that baby is just as important as if he or she were full term and passed away.
I'm also worried about what is to come, and how long it will be before I deliver the baby. The doctor told me it could be anytime....so far though, I am still having pregnancy symptoms, and still having NO cramping and NO bleeding. I keep hoping it will just happen so that I can move on and heal from this. I hope that it will happen this week. I was wanting to have the baby tested to see if it was a boy or a girl but then realized that if I did that, I would not get my baby back. I would not be able to bear that...the baby must be buried close by.
I will never know whether it would have been a girl or a boy, but I do know that it was my baby, my precious baby who lives in Heaven now...one day I will get to meet my baby and understand why this had to happen.
I had to go to my voice recital at 3:00, so after eating lunch, she took the kids with her to her house, and I left for college.
I got there, and listened to all the other students singing their songs. Most of the music that is sung in these lessons is classical or relgious music... so halfway through the recital, I started to feel uneasy and a little bit emotional. I just wanted to go home and lay down. I went from being happy to being sad in an instant.
The teacher called me up to sing my song, which just happens to be a song from Psalms...a cry to God during emotional times. Halfway through the song, when I heard myself singing, "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I", my voice went out. I know the students just thought that I couldn't hit that note, but I was about to cry. I had to force myself not to, reminding myself that if I cried, I might have to explain to all those people there why I was crying.
I sang the rest of the song, doing a better job through the next part, but as soon as I got down to my seat, tears started welling in my eyes. I had to keep wiping them away, and trying to hide it from everyone else. I was in the back but there were a few people who might have seen. When the recital was over, I went to the bathroom to cry a little bit more and then I powdered my face and reapplied my makeup, and walked toward the door to leave....
when I passed the office where my teacher was by then, she said, "Hi Bethany!" I walked back by the office to reply, and said "Hi." Then I apologized to her for messing up during the song. I felt bad about it, because I have never had a problem with that song. She told me that sometimes that just happens and that it was ok... And I said, "yeah I've just had a hard week"...or, that's what I TRIED to say. What I ended up doing was crying that whole sentence.
And then I was so embarrassed that I had started crying again that I started to walk towards the door and then she realized I was really sad and she said, "Oh my gosh, Bethany, are you ok?"
She closed the door and sat down and gave me a kleenex and asked what the matter was.
I really didn't want to burden her. I am so not used to crying in front of people... I try to avoid it at all costs... but as soon as she started giving me compassion, I couldn't turn it off. It just kept coming. I kept telling myself, "control yourself, control yourself. Just stop crying, she doesn't need to be burdened with my problems, just calm down", but I couldn't do what I wanted to do.
I ended up telling her the whole story...and it was hard to choke out. She was very understanding and she told me that some things to try to comfort me...one of them was that sometimes God knows things that we don't know. And sometimes there are things we just don't understand but God does understand.
I do understand that and believe it with all my heart. I guess it just doesn't help me to not be sad though. I must still have to grieve a while, regardless of the logical knowledge that God knows best.
Anyway, I had thought that I was "over it"....not really over it, but at least over the extreme sad feelings...I thought I could at least control myself around people, but I guess not yet.
I wonder how long I will feel this pain? I never would have thought that I could have been this emotional about a baby that I haven't even seen, at this early of a stage. I have always believed that it would make me sad if it ever happened, but I never realized the extent to which it hurts you, deep down.
I wonder if people think I'm crazy for being this sad over a miscarriage.... I don't know. It's hard to understand until you go through it. I know that I was only 8 weeks, but I believe with all my heart that baby is just as important as if he or she were full term and passed away.
I'm also worried about what is to come, and how long it will be before I deliver the baby. The doctor told me it could be anytime....so far though, I am still having pregnancy symptoms, and still having NO cramping and NO bleeding. I keep hoping it will just happen so that I can move on and heal from this. I hope that it will happen this week. I was wanting to have the baby tested to see if it was a boy or a girl but then realized that if I did that, I would not get my baby back. I would not be able to bear that...the baby must be buried close by.
I will never know whether it would have been a girl or a boy, but I do know that it was my baby, my precious baby who lives in Heaven now...one day I will get to meet my baby and understand why this had to happen.
Bethany, I think you need to allow yourself to grieve as much as you want or need to. Don't give youself a time limit. You lost a child. Miscarriage or not. I think most people would understand why it has hit you so hard. When I lost my baby the compassion I recieved was overwhelming. An Evangelist who regularly visited our church gave me the most wonderful card telling them how they (he and his wife) had dealt with the same thing and knew our pain. Whether the child was full term or not the pain is excruciating. You go from having these plans....bringing this new life into the world. Your mind, your body, is prepared for this big event. Then...in one day it's taken away. You have every right to cry out of the blue! I know I did. I remember telling my mother in law I would never get over it. I did...I got better...but I have never forgotten my baby. Your loss brought back the feelings...the sorrow. It made me remember exactly how it felt. I'm glad though. He lives on in my memory whether I held him or not. I remember the joy of realizing I was pregnant with him. Those are things that I'm happy I have now. Good memories. Not just bad. I hate to see you ever feel guilt or that you are strange or something for grieving this much. It's normal. And it is very healing. You need to do it.
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Hi Bethany,
So many things to say, but some times there are no words to begin..My first miscarriage was extremely emotional. We went through everything, wondering what was wrong, what kind of existence the baby had in heaven, should we name it, how will the pain be? It took a month and I was so sad! We ended up naming the baby Jesse and looked to further pregnancies to bring back the joy. Then with the next one it happened sort of like yours. That one we named Jordan. Waiting for the passing of the baby brought such tremendous agony. The labor pains were not bringing forth life, but death. And how that fact pierced my heart! We were planning a trip with make a wish to Disney (our third child has complex cardiac defects) When we went it was extremely emotional. I was able to ride the rides because I wasn't pregnant anymore. That I could hardly bear. I sat crying and crying outside of Space Mountain. And how can you cry at Disney World? Especially because of the reason we were there was because of my daughter.
Anyway...
even though I have a 18 month old (plus all the older 5) I still wonder and long to see what heaven holds. You will find that miscarriage is not an event that happens and is over. It is an eternal sorrow that God helps you to cope with. When people ask you how many kids do you have, you may find it a struggle not to mention your little one. I know I do.
I am glad for the kid's sake that we named them. It makes them "real" although they were never here.
Well, I have taken enough of your precious time, I will be praying for you from the Jersey Shore.
Until then,
Cheryl
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You have every right to grieve, you need to. I think that one of the reasons you are still so sad, which is normal, is that it isn't over yet, ya know? The baby is still a part of you and you can't move on. Take your time and don't expect to get over it. Eventually you will reach the point where you are sad without crying, but it could take awhile. You are on the right course. Talking about it does help and I am sure you didn't burden her with your problems. She was truly concerned about you. I hope it gets easier for you, but remember that it just takes time.
Jennifer
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Bethany-
My heart goes out to you! I have dealt with several miscarriages myself and I know the pain that goes along with it. You should not be expected to be "over it" already. You still have a very real physical challenge to go yet.
I remember feeling so alone my first miscarriage. I knew that other women had gone through what I had, even my own mother, but the comfort I was seeking did not come from anyone I knew. It did come though, in a quiet moment when I truly realized that there was someone who knew what "I" was feeling. In Gethsemane, the Savior took upon himself, all of our sins and the pains associated with them, but also our sorrows.
He and only he, could understand exactly what was burdening my heart.
I know that it is such a difficult thing to deal with. I just want you to know, that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I do think it is really important to allow yourself to grieve, it was a little spirit inside of you and the loss of that is not to be taken lightly. God bles you during this trying time!
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Bethany,
Wow, I just saw that you lost your little one. I am so sorry. I have never experienced this but can only imagine it is very difficult. My friend had 2 miscarriages after having 3 children that were very difficult. She decided to go through the labor rather than have the DNC. If you want some advice from someone who has been where you are, I could put you in touch with her. I know it was very difficult. Also, she has since had a healthy baby girl now. So there is hope.
I will be praying for you. Each baby God gives, He gives for a purpose, they are precious and each one is from Him. You will see your baby someday.
Praying for you,
Debra
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Wow, Bethany, I didn't know that you sang, too! You do so many things.
You shouldn't feel bad about grieving, or needing time to stop feeling so sad. I had a false-positive pregnancy test back in November, and we thought we were having another baby for several days (and had already told a number of people -- like 20!) that we were pregnant. Then a friend of mine told me that my test might have been faulty, so I took another test and it was such a strange, embarrassing, hurtful SHOCK to realise that I wasn't pregnant. Certainly not nearly so difficult as your miscarriage, but on the other hand, it gave me a tiny glimpse into what it's like to lose a baby.
Good for you on staying busy serving your family (I just read your next entry, also). You are such a great example!!
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All of your comments have meant so much to me....they have truly been helping me heal.
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Oh Bethany, I only just saw this.
I am so, so very sorry!
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Thank you, Margaret. That really means a lot. (((hugs)))
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