I never thought this would happen to me :-(
Just to let you know, this will be an emotional post.
Today, I went to the doctor to get my ultrasound made... I had planned to tell my children about the baby after getting the pictures. I was getting so excited about it!
I drove to my moms and dropped the kids off, then went to the doctor, and waited my turn. Then I got the ultrasound done...
I noticed something strange while I was there...the nurse looked kind of worried and she kept looking around for a lot longer than I'm used to for this stage of pregnancy. (I'm only about 8-10 weeks). She then said, "I can't seem to find a heartbeat."
I didn't think much about it at first, because that has happened before, and it was always a false alarm. So I figured that the ultrasound just wasn't able to pick it up, maybe the placenta was in the way, etc. Whatever the case was, I wasn't worried...I just knew my baby was safe and sound. I've never had a problem before.
The lady who did the ultrasound took about 25 pictures ...I was surprised to see so many coming out of the machine, and commented about it....she replied that at this point in pregnancy, they usually take a lot, so they can check the ovaries and stuff. I was satisfied with that, and thought nothing more of it.
Then she said that she'd like me to see the doctor that was on call that day, since my doctor was not in. I said ok, and waited in the waiting room with a magazine for a while.
Then, in came the new doctor.
She asked me how I was doing, shook my hand, and then told me that she was sorry to have to be the one to tell me this, but my baby's brain was not developing normally.
At this point, I thought, ok , so my baby might have a disability. That was not a problem for me. The thought of anything worse had not occured to me.
Then she continued, and said that my baby did not have a heartbeat, and had unfortunately passed away.....
She made sure to make it clear that my baby was not alive anymore, and had already passed on in my womb. She apologized for having to tell me a second time for having to be the one to "break the news".
I stood there just looking at her, not really comprehending what she had said. I mean, this couldn't be happening. Not to me. I hadn't done anything to cause something like this....or had I? How could this be possible?
I asked her if she was absolutely sure, that there was no possible doubt in her mind...I thought maybe I could change her mind and I wanted to hear her say it was not really the case...
She said no, however, and then she went on to tell me that it was probably God's will, trying to make me feel better.
At that point though, I just didn't know what to think. I was numb and didn't know how to react. I just said, thanks, and walked out of the room.
I thought I had handled things well, until I kept looking at the ultrasound she handed to me. My mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts. My stomach started to feel like it was in knots.
I handed the papers to the secretary to get my next appointment card. It seemed like it took her forever to get it done. I kept thinking, please hurry, please hurry. I realized if she didn't hurry up, I was going to break down and cry right there. But the secretary didn't hurry.
Suddenly, my eyes began to well up with tears. The secretary asked me a question as I was turned away from her, and I immediately turned around to answer her question, and when she saw my eyes with tears falling from them, she looked concerned... I couldn't help or contain it anymore once that happened, and I just started weeping right there. I couldn't control myself...I tried so hard to hold it in.
There was a lady behind me who saw me crying and immediately put her arm around me and tried to console me...she asked me what was the matter. Trying to tell her what it was was so difficult. I could barely get the words out. I finally managed to choke out, "They told me...my baby...is......dead."
And then I went into another fit of tears. My body was trembling so hard, and I could hear the two ladies feeling sorry for me, and I didn't want them to feel bad. But I couldn't stop crying. The ladies asked me if there was anyone they could call, or if I would like to talk to anyone. They asked me if I'd like to sit down. I kept trying to tell them I was ok, but I kept choking it out and it sounded so weepy it was too unbelievable to them.
They told me to please call someone to take me home, because they didn't think I needed to drive myself home feeling like that. So I asked them to call James for me. He asked what was the matter, and I couldnt even tell him. My hands were shaking so hard and I managed to bring the words out that I would tell him what was the matter when he got there. It was just too hard to say the words!
It seemed like it took forever for him to get there. I paced around, and hid in the snack room in the hospital, and would start crying, then I'd stop, and then I'd start again, and I'd look at the ultrasound picture, and start crying again.
I finally saw him through the window and he came in and I just hugged him really tight and started gasping and crying. He held me and I think he probably knew what was coming, but I finally was able to tell him. We got into the car and shared a few moments hugging and crying together.
James ended up taking off work so that he could be with me today...which I really appreciated. It meant a lot for me that he was there for me. I know that it hurt him a lot too, knowing what had happened.
So that is how today has gone. It seems like the last couple of months have had some hardships and this is probably the hardest thing I've had to face in a long time. I don't know when I'll be delivering the baby.
It'll probably be sometime in the next 4 weeks. I'll be going to the doctor again tomorrow for a blood test to see when it'll happen. I'm going to let it happen naturally...no D & C for me...I don't like the idea at all. It's really sad, but I have to remember that God gives and He takes away, according to His wisdom. There's a purpose for everything, and I know that there is a purpose in this, no matter how hard it may be to see at this time. Just pray for us, that we'll be able to heal emotionally...and please pray that when the baby does miscarry, that it won't be too painful.
Bethany, I am so, so sorry. Words are inadequate. Your whole family is in my prayers.
Jennifer
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Dear Bethany,
I am so very sad to hear this news. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Hugs,
Carol
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Bethany, I am so sorry. Your family is in my prayers.
Tonya
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Oh Bethany, I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you. I hope you get lots of rest and help over these next few weeks.
Mandy
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I'm so sorry, Bethany! I pray you will be given the grace to get through this.
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Bethany, I am so sorry to hear this! What difficult news. I'll be praying for you and your family. Love, Tammy
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I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Bethany, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I know your heart must be breaking.
Little one, I know you're safe in the arms of Jesus now, but your Mommy and Daddy miss you terribly already.....
Praying for you and your family, Bethany!
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You are in my prayers Bethany. You and your entire family. <3
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May God's Love comfort you in this difficult time. You and your family are in my prayers.
Love Sam
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Dear Bethany,
We will be asking God to help you two through this.
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I am so sorry. I am 18 weeks pregnant and I can not even imagine what you are going through. Just remember that God is with you & your baby can now be with him. You are in our thoughts & prayers.
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Bethany, I'm so sorry!! I read your most recent post and am so impressed with the way you're handling things. You are very mature for one so young. May God give you peace and comfort in great measure. ((hug))
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Oh dearest Bethany! I wish I could hug you IRL and offer some comfort to you. Reading your post took me back to that ultrasound room when I was so excited to see my twins...instead learning they were gone. I know the grief of such a loss and want you to know I am here for you if you need me. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you....and hurting for you!
Love,
Tina
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((((hugs)))) thank you all for the kind and supportive words...they all mean so much!
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{{{{HUGs BETHANY}}}}}. I just wept as I read your words as I know how totally crushing those 3 little words are ("there's no hearbeat")... they are the words that will change your life forever. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that there are no words that can take away your hurt. You will have good days and 'not as good days' but through it all, the Lord will always be there and He will continue to be your strength. Anytiime you need someone to talk to, please feel free to email me. I may not have all the 'right words' but I can be a listening ear and an understanding heart.
Praying for peace and comfort for you.
Love,
Dana
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Thank you, Dana, so much, for your kind words.
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I am so sorry that this happened to you. I had a very similar experience this spring with my son, my 4th child and my only m/c.
I really feel that I connect to your story.
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Hey there. My name Is Lindsey. Iam a 26 year old mother of Kyle (2), and two babies in Heaven. I just recently had a missed miscarriage. I went in for a routine check up on November 12th, 2007. No heartbeat was detected and the baby and had stopped growing at 9 weeks 4 days...I should have been 10 weeks and 6 days. I typed missed miscarrige into goole. Accidentally I clicked on images rather than web. The first picture that came up was of your prcious lil baby. I just want to say thank you for being so strong and so brave and posting the pictures of your baby. My Dr gave me two choices, to go home and wait for naure to take its course or to get a D&C the very next day. A D&C was strongly recommended to me. My Hcg levels were still rising and my body still thought I was carrying a healthy pregnancy. My Dr was concerned that it was just going to take too long for nature to take its course and she was very worried about infection. I chose the D&C. In a way I regret the choice I made, even though I was told if I did let natur take is course I would more than likely need a D&C to ensure everything came out. I regret my decision because I never got to see my baby. As hard as it must be to actually see it, I just wish I could have seen my lil baby.
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Hey there. My name Is Lindsey. Iam a 26 year old mother of Kyle (2), and two babies in Heaven. I just recently had a missed miscarriage. I went in for a routine check up on November 12th, 2007. No heartbeat was detected and the baby and had stopped growing at 9 weeks 4 days...I should have been 10 weeks and 6 days. I typed missed miscarrige into goole. Accidentally I clicked on images rather than web. The first picture that came up was of your prcious lil baby. I just want to say thank you for being so strong and so brave and posting the pictures of your baby. My Dr gave me two choices, to go home and wait for naure to take its course or to get a D&C the very next day. A D&C was strongly recommended to me. My Hcg levels were still rising and my body still thought I was carrying a healthy pregnancy. My Dr was concerned that it was just going to take too long for nature to take its course and she was very worried about infection. I chose the D&C. In a way I regret the choice I made, even though I was told if I did let natur take is course I would more than likely need a D&C to ensure everything came out. I regret my decision because I never got to see my baby. As hard as it must be to actually see it, I just wish I could have seen my lil baby. Im very sorry thear that you also had to go through this. You are very strong ane I admire your strength and courage.
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Sarah, and Lindsay, I have sent you two emails. God bless. (hugs)
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Sarah and Lindsey,
Hi, my name is shelly. I too had a "missed miscarriage" in April of 2007. It is the most devestating news to hear the words "no heartbeat" and then have to make a decision right then and there as to how to take care of the death. I too opted for a D&C and regretted it but since have found peace in making that decision. Bethany's baby blessing made my baby "real". I am thankful for Bethany and all of the support she and others here gave me going through the healing and grieving process. I will be praying for you and anytime you need a supportive hand just reach out...I will talk to you anytime. I am not all the way there yet but I have come a long way. I did not believe at first that time brings healing but it really does. I had to take one day at a time and many times those days were far and few between. I have had to pray even when I felt my prayers were hitting the ceiling. God has shown himself to be faithful, compassionate, and loving even in the most painful of circumstances. I hope you have an encouraging and peaceful day today.
hugs, shelly
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I just had a miscarriage two days ago. Twins. I was 12 weeks pregnant, but the one baby they found had died at six weeks. The other's sac was burst and it was gone. This is my third miscarriage. I have three children, which I'm ever so grateful for! The first two miscarriages ruined my life for months and the lives of my family members. This time, however, I was so much stronger and God gave me a peace that has really gotten me through this. I found your story here through a search engine and I'm glad I found your website. I'm very prolife and it's refreshing to "meet" another person equally against abortion as I am. Feel free to stop by myspace anytime. I saw the pictures of your baby and it was beautiful. I saw mine last night before burying it and it was only the size of a grain of rice. God bless you and your family.
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Alice, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I know you are going through a lot of pain and sorrow right now! I hope that you will find much comfort and peace in the days to come. Please do refer to the comments that you will find in response to many of my posts on Pregnancy loss...you will find recommendations for books to read, songs to listen to, and many words of encouragement, along with comforting Bible verses. I would recommend that you pick up the book, "I'll hold you in heaven remembrance book" by Debbie Heydrick. It helped me so much as I grieved! God bless you and your family too.
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I understand what you are feeling, i hae had 2 m/c and my 2nd was only 25th April 08, but i only found out at my 11+6 scan that my baby had died at 5 weeks..
It's so upsetting for me and our family as no-one knows how to act, what to say or what to feel..
I wish you the very best for your future
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i found out about my molar pregnancy 5/1/07 and i kept asking myself why.they said its so rare and even more rare at my age i was only 17. i had a d&c i felt so wrong after words i felt like i was killing my baby even though there was no baby there but the doctor said i had to and now im 19 and decided to start trying and had a miscarriage not even a month ago i just keep asking my self why me how do you come to peace after something like this happening to you twice. im only 19 and im so scared to try again
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Dearest young lades,
I want to say something to help you to feel less pain but only our blessed Saviour can say the right things to help. The Bible is and was the only thing I could find comfort in. I miscarried two times when I was 19 and that has been a lot of years ago. I am 73 and soon to see my babes. I never got to see them here but Jesus takes good care of the little children He said so.
I had 4 boys and all grew up to love Jesus and excepted Him as their Savior. They are married now and have children so we will all be together someday.
My prayer for you is that you will know the pain of your loss will
get better and you will see your little ones some day.
I pray that God will comfort you and help you to trust Him to help you to
live a good Godly life.I send
my love to you in Jesus Christ for He is the Great comforter.
sincerely,
Alice Holley
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